Expert: Libby Bonner - 12/19/2006

Question
I have a question about my 40 year old sister diagnosed with Bipolar in 2002.
 Four months ago i had to 'take in' my sister into MY home because she could not take care of herself, filthy house, filthy filthy house ... and shopping to where she could not pay her bills, light, rent, cable... etc.
 My mother, my brother, and myself have been paying her bills for YEARS, giving her money. She works on and off but spends money online shopping.
 Finally we, the family, decide, one of us has got to take her in... this is getting ridiculous!  We decide it's going to be ME!
 We, my mother, my brother and myself spent thousands of dollars and an enormous amount of time getting her this out of State (Texas to Connecicut) move for her, her 13 year old daughter and her 3 pets.
 I myself spend an entire month of my free time (i work and have a home to tend to) getting her room together (painting, cleaning carpet) and even more money, a bed, acomputer, misc...
Her being there was a real big inconvenience, but i did not let her know this and i was so happy she was safe with me...i gave her all my attention, all my time, all my worry.
 From the second she stepped off the plane, she was flirting with the man i have been with for 6 years, living with for four...( batting her eyelashes, laughing at every single thing he says, tilting her head provoctively) I thought nothing of it!  This is my sister for Christ sake!

 Two weeks later ... they are ...in love?!!
This caught me off guard... like an unimaginable nightmare, "shit happens"? is what she tells me... "move on, oh well"?
 I have to move out?!
Come to find out also, 'HE'   is a damn Narcissist..(explains a lot over the past few years)

 I have been doing HOURS of research the past four months about Bipolar... because this is blowing my mind....
I had the impression Bipolar is a mood disorder?   I knew my sister was snotty, bossy, not pleasant to be around...  But God, after reading around in forums on the web... Bipolar sounds more like A**hole....I am sorry, so sorry, but like i said, after reading about hundreds of stories throughout the internet... i find people with Bipolar are ..mean... thoughtless...liars?! ruthless, even theives.. backstabbers?! This is what they are?!
 All i ever read before was they are.... sad?... then happy?  Up?... and then down? I have been SO misinformed!  How my sister could be so EVIL... after everything that i had done for her... She is dead to me... That Narcissist she is with will do to her what he did to me... I want to be there so i could spit at her... Bipolar info sites should warn, at least family members, what this 'illness' is capable of....it is not 'mood swings'... give me a goddamn break... it is destructive ,hate , evil beyond any imagination. I know my sister will burn in hell for this, so will my ex narcissist ( i have cooked for this man every night, rubbed his back every day, cleaned the house everyday, make lunch, help him with his appliance business, sat with him in the evening, watching the shows on tv he likes to watch, NEVER spent his money on myself) I have loved these two Jackels with all my heart... broke my ass to make them happy. Someone, anyone... help me understand... Bipolar?   Thank -you

                                          Bea  

Answer
I am dreadfully sorry that the living arrangement was set up without your family having understood clearly the nature of bipolar illness.  Even when the patient is as well as medicines can make her, and has a good doctor, and takes meds faithfully, life w/ someone w/ bipolar requires 1] a very good understanding of the particular person's behavior patterns and ongoing symptoms and 2] much, much patience and goodwill by others.  IF the person is very sick and very symptomatic, as it appears your sister is, only disaster can follow.  [Nowhere in your note do you mention your sister's doc or her meds, or whether she takes them.....this would be at the heart of most of the notes that I get.]

Your sister is unlikely to burn in hell for behaving in the ways that her broken brain has told her are OK ways to behave.  All mental illnesses involve screwed up brain chemistry....causing abnormal thinking, behavior, and conversation.   These are expressed by anger, seeming irresponsibility,  poor decisions, etc.

What would help you.  See if there is a NAMI group near you and plan to go, esp if they have a family support group.  www.nami.org   Everyone in the family would get a HUGE benefit from taking the free NAMI 12-week class called Family to Family; her daughter can take it at age 14 or older...and her daughter probably need much help.   The class is offered all over the country.   -- Just attending the group would help you and other family to learn that her behavior is very typical and you could find how others deal with it.

The person - you - if the only family in the state where she is now - could also find out how the mental health system works where she is and maybe help her start getting some treatment, and getting her connected to some social services.  The people at your NAMI group will know more.

What will help you and everyone.  Get the book by Woolis called When someone you love has a mental illness.  It's very practical....how to communicate w/ someone ill, how to control their behavior to some extent - see Setting Limits.

IF she resists treatment, pls see what your state laws are about involuntary treatment at www.psychlaws.org OR get the latest edition of the book by Amador called I am not sick; I don't need help.   This will help you and help her.

Ah - just re-read.  How could she do this, after all you have done?  Mental illnesses make people very very inward-looking.  Until they get markedly better w/ meds, it would be unusual for them to pay very much attention to you, your problems, your needs --- or to social obligations of the most basic sort, like Thank you.   In my NAMI group, it is a big occasion when a family member reports that their 'person' has noticed something that they are wearing, or noticed that they are sad, or that they don't feel well.

This is ILLNESS, real illness, just as real as heart disease and Alzheimer's and diabetes and cancer.  But it has behavioral symptoms that look a lot like plain old rotten behavior..... it makes it so, so difficult for families.

I hope your family will come to understand that your sister is pretty sick and has been made pretty helpless - truly - by her illness.  She is going to always need someone who cares about her welfare checking on her....and helping her start over, again.  And again.  But it doesn't always need to be about money....and see Woolis again, about Setting Limits.

For the New Year, I hope for effective treatment for you sister, healing and understanding for you, and a family resolve to find effective ways to meet your sister's and her child's real needs.

Thank you for venting to me!  No, as you discovered in the worst possible way, there is such a lot more to bipolar illness that happy and sad.