Expert: Joyce A. Anthony - 1/8/2007

Question
Earlier this year, my 30yr old boyfriend surprised me with the news of his illness.  I was nothing but supportive.  I educated myself, arranged my work life to accommodate his medical needs, I charted his moods and medicine dosages, etc., etc.    His family refuses to admit he has a problem, though doctors identified a behavior issue when he was only 5 yrs old.  He does not work, so I also support him financially.  I cannot even deduct those expenses, because we are not family.  Here is the problem:  I am starting to feel very used.  Although he is home all day, he does nothing to help me around the house.  He refuses to share in the little daily chores that need to be done (the only exception being the dishes).  He moved in one year ago, and the place is still not in order.  I work full time, and run a fledgling business of my own at night.  I expected to get a partner, not a child.  He is taxing my desire to be compassionate.  Right now, I need the sensible advice of an outsider.  Are my expectations for him too high?  How do I abandon him when he has no money and no place to live?  I  do not see a way out of this for me, and feel as if my good  deeds are all for naught.  Help!!!  

Answer
Hi Chris:

What I'm hearing isn't a bipolar-related behavior--it's just a case of someone being willing to sit back and allow someone to do all the work.  Your expectations are not too high, your boyfriend is perfectly capable of holding a job, working around the house, etc...

By requiring him to start pulling his share of the load, you are not abandoning him.  In fact, allowing him to continue as he is will only enable him and reinforce the behavior.I believe it is time to tell him he needs to grow up, or find somewhere else.

Many people use their disorders as excuses.  The truth is, very few are so disabled by bipolar disorder that they can't hold a job, or at least help out around the house.  Give him his choice--help out or leave.  The decision will be his.  
                    Joyce A. Anthony