Expert: Libby Bonner - 2/8/2004

Question
My 18-year-old son was diagnosed with bipolar 9/03, hospitalized with attempted suicide and psychosis 11/03.  Also dual diagnosis of substance abuse.  He is slowly improving, connects well with therapist and psychiatrist.  Can't deal with group therapy.  Medications just rearranged again and seem to be more effective.  I'll be attending NAMI meetings starting next week.  My question is this-we are relocating to another state.  My husband is going before me because I am afraid to uproot my son right now (even though I'd like to get him away from his drug abusing friends).  I am thinking that another six months or so would be a good time to do this.  What are your feelings and recommendations?

Answer
And THIS is a PPS.  Glad answer was helpful  Only writing to say that allexperts feedback to us is limited, but you are not warned of this [I have complained to them].  
So-o-o, if your remarks to me beyond "insists on my being w/ him at all" included any questions, pls send again.  Probably we only lost the word "time"  but I always worry that maybe there was more.   "Great relationship" is going to be a big plus for the move.  Thanks again for feedback.
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THISS is a PS to my answer, which is below.  In it, I mention that my daughter has been ill for 20+ years and I imply that she has impairments.  Pls don't draw pessimistic conclusions from this.  Today, prompt and correct diagnosis is the norm and the medicines available are wonderful.  It is likely that your son will recover to a much great degree.  Be hopeful.
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Delighted to hear you are going to NAMI.  Hope those connections will be helpful and that there will be NAMI where you are moving.

You pose a hard question.  Even the tiniest stressors can throw 'consumers' off - NAMI jargon for patients - and there are few greater stressors that a move.

I'm going to give you a partial answer, kind of bail out of this, and also raise several questions.  At the bottom, there is even a real answer!

Are you and your husband on the same page w/ this whole thing?  Are there sibs and where are they?  [And how do they feel about the illness?]  What are your son's current feelings about the move, about his dad being away for awhile?  Is the substance abuse [which partly was maybe self-medicating re his illness] being addressed, has it improved - what are your son's feelings about past/current/future use?  About substances period.

Are you welcome [by doc/therapist and by son] to attend some of his appts?  Three heads, and viewpoints, are often so much better than two.  [And mental illness so very much involves the family.]  What have doc/therapist said about your plan re the move, that you will delay for awhile?  [Has your son finished HS?]

Here's the part where I partly bail out: answer these questions for yourself, or to me, or with NAMI and/or with your husband.  If you need me further, do please write.  But your best options are to use NAMI and the professionals both as sounding boards re your plans and certainly use the professionals to help the planned move take place as well as it can.  

[Plan: would interim visits to the new place be a good idea?  Will your husband be there in permanent housing?  Will husband be making trips back?  Who will the new professionals be in your new city and how will you find good ones? Answer might be for husband to attend NAMI there and to ask some pointed questions - partly depends on how large the city is and how many community mental health centers are there....if some services will come from those.]

From your question, I sense that you perhaps have made a fair adjustment to your son's illness?  And perhaps you have because son's current behavior and relationship w/ family is going fairly well?  In case I am wrong, or if communication becomes difficult, or life in general with him does, pls let me close by recommending the most important book you could own.  Author is Woolis, title is When someone you love has a mental illness.  NOT about symptoms/treatment, but an immensely practical manual...really essential.

NOW, here is a real-life example of how I handled a recent move w/ my daughter, from the city where we had lived for 30 years.  She was 39 then; is 43 now; has been sick since age 21.  We had separate housing there, but maybe you can adapt my plan.  I did a little sorting for her, but movers packed her things after she had already come to this city, while we were briefly in temp housing.  If there is a way to keep your son from the hurly-burly of moving, on both ends, it would help a great deal.  He leaves w/ his room and your house relatively intact and goes to a place where much of the settling-in has already happend.  Talk w/ NAMI about what resources [friends; relatives] you have who can help make this happen.  ---I think this is probably equally as important as delaying the move.

Hope this helps.  Write anytime.  I'm so glad to hear that your son is improving.