Expert: Libby Bonner - 11/18/2003

Question
Dear Libby,
It has been quiet until yesterday.  My daughter is still wanting to go back to Jordan with her children.  Yesterday we were brought together because my granddaughter fell and hurt her arm at school.  I am not on the call list at school.  The only one is uncle Mohammad so it took a while to get her to the hospital which is an hour away.  It was not an emergency. My daughter and I talked and I watched the one year old while she was in the x-ray room with the 10 year old.  She seems to have trouble with everyone including her daughter's teacher.  The school set up a meeting with the principal for tomorrow.  I wish she could stand back and see how much trouble she has and maybe some of it is her own doing.  Paranoia is creeping up.  Maybe this is the time to suggest help to her.  It felt good to talk to her and not fight.  She has several "friends" who want to visit and let their children play with hers but she won't see anyone.  I am sorry for rambling but am wondering if this is a good time to start.  I listened yesterday but at the same time was thinking most of the parent/teacher problems were her.
Thank you again.  You are wonderful.
Susan Mallery

Answer
I know, from readers, that I am helpful and am glad to help where I can.  I wish it were true that I am wonderful in dealing w/ my own family situation, where I know I fail so often in so many ways.

If your daughter is sick and symptomatic, there is not much 'sense' that will get through to her, regardless of how well delivered nor by whom.

[It certainly is too bad that good old Uncle Mohammad is so available....]

The only two things where it seems to me you might prevail are legally or w/ the ploy I wrote about earlier.  I like the ploy a lot because it leaves you completely out of the debate.  The ploy was to sympathize w/ her quite genuine distress and her dilemma/s and to offer help with the stress of these burdens and help perhaps in making decisions about the future:  offer her some hours of counseling about those things, w/ someone well enough trained to recognize mental illness, if it is present, and who might then suggest consultation with, or referral to, a psychiatrist.

What legal avenues may be open I wouldn't know.  Clearly, she is not a candidate for committment nor for forced treatment.  I don't know that you could keep her from leaving the country, nor manage to keep one or both children w/ you permanently: questions for a very, very competent atty, not just a guy who sits around drawing up wills.

I wish there were an effective immediate answer, or the promise of long-term safety for her and the children and/or of treatment for her.

Something that you have already experienced may be what you can most realistically hope for: being w/ her and not fighting, a very good feeling indeed, and a situation that one day may pay off....by leaving you a person who is trusted and from whom help is sought.   

It's a very hard situation, so take what comfort there is: that the door is open between you.  [Get the Woolis book.  I suspect the 'not fighting' was both good luck and honest effort on your part, but it will be easier w/ Woolis.  Honestly.]

---------Let's see - husband was deported; daughter has never lived in Jordan?  Was their relationship a good one prior to his leaving?  If not, perhaps you could offer to keep the children while she makes a visit to husband to see how things are w/ him, w/ them, w/ the other child, with life in Jordan?  If she were prevented from returning, the two children remain w/ you.  OR if the two children remain w/ you and things are less that great there, the children here are a big incentive for her to return.  OR -  lots of scenarios that might flow from the children here while she initially goes on.  

Don't know what the $$ situation is, and you DON't want to mortgage the farm [and mustn't mortgage your own future], but is might be worth spending a LITTLE money that you don't have to work on this plan.   ?