Expert: Guy Curious - 1/5/2011

Question
QUESTION: My boyfriend and I have been together about 2 1/2 years now. To be honest I snooped and found that he was looking at gay porn and post ads on craigslist being a first timer. I confronted him about it and he was very defensive about it all. More recently I found video of him doing anal, only with himself and objects. I really don't care I just want him to be honest with me. I'm not sure if he has acted upon this with other men but he has not been sexually interested in me.

ANSWER: Most closeted bi guys will turn defensive when confronted if they are not ready to talk.  Being confrontational is not the best way to handle such a situation.  Your boyfriend is struggling internally with his sexual identity and I can say from personal experience it can be one of the hardest struggles for a guy to deal with.  I, too, was starting to withdraw from my wife.  I felt like the weight of the world was upon my shoulders.  

The day I came out to my wife was one of the best days of my life.  I felt like the clouds had parted and I could once again see the sunlight.  Society does not hold a very positive view on male bisexuality.  Female bisexuality is widely accepted.  So most bi guys stay in the closet out of fear of rejection by their partner and society.

I would gave him some time to calm down from the initial confrontation.  Once the situation has mellowed a bit then sit down with him in a non confrontational, relaxed setting and try talking to him.  Help him understand that you are willing to accept him for who he is, that you hold no prejudices, that you just want him to be honest with you.  He may not be ready for a long, deep conversation at that moment but knowing that he has your support will help him along the way.

I hope this helps and please write back and let me know the two of you are doing.


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks this does help a lot. When you came out to your wife how did that change your relationship, if at all? Also, how do I bring that up to him even in a relaxed convo?

Answer
It made our relationship better mainly because I could stop hiding who I am.  As to your second question that's kinda' hard to answer.  I would wait a bit until he's had some time to calm down from your first conversation.  

Another suggestion though it may be a bit personal.  Have the two of you ever experimented with anal play on him ?  Based on the video you found it seems to be something he's into.  That might be a great way to open him up to talking (no pun intended!).  

Let me know how it's going.....