Expert: Guy Curious - 10/3/2011

Question
Hi,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly three years. About nine months ago, I discovered he is bisexual and has been on the personals in Craiglist and viewing certain websites.

We have a good relationship, and I don't doubt his love for me. He seems to enjoy being intimate with me, but I am very confused about his bisexuality and just want to understand. He doesn't know that I know about his bi-sexual encounters. I came across some pictures on his computer one day. This was completely accidental. I had hit a ctrl+ something key and the picture folder opened. This led me to look at the browsing history. I know he has been looking to meet up with other men for oral sex and using m4m websites. I don't know if there has been anything more than oral.

He is 25 and I am 26. We recently moved to a different state together, so I don't think he would have asked me to move with him (his job) if he didn't truly want to be with me (we moved about 800+miles from our original home). I really want to talk to him about this, but there are a number of reasons keeping me from doing so. First, I know it probably wasn't right to look at the browsing history, but I feel like he is being sneaky about this. Another reason I don't know if I should bring this up is because I know it might be difficult for him to talk about; on the other hand, we have been together three years. How much longer will this go on? I have an extremely hard time with confrontation and talking about things on my mind when I know they might present an uncomfortable situation. That's probably my number one reason for not bringing it up.

I just want to talk to someone about this so maybe someone else can help me understand since he is obviously not ready to. Does this mean he's going to eventually leave? Does he like his bisexual encounters more and is just using me as a front? His family would definitely not be okay with his lifestyle. I am doubtful of the last part because I do believe he loves me and cares about me, but I am hurting and don't want to seem selfish. I honestly do just want to understand. I think this is something I can eventually be comfortable with, I just don't like the sneaky part of this. I want him to be honest.

Please help, and I appreciate any suggestions as well.

Thank you.

Answer
Your situation mirrors the situation my wife was in.  I had left my Guycurious email account open on accident and that's when my wife discovered I was bisexual.  She didn't confront me with it because she knew I was committed to her 100%.  She figured I would open up when I was ready to do so. Your situation is a bit different if he has been with other guys without telling you.  This puts your health at risk.

Most of society holds a negative view on male bisexuality yet female bisexuality is more readily accepted.  Because of this many bisexual guys are unwilling to come forth out of fear of rejection.  Guys are supposed to be strong and manly but they cannot be so if they are bisexual or so society thinks.  So many guys are forced to remain forever closeted.  

So now you need a way to bring this up for discussion without making him feel threatened.  First suggestion, do the two of you ever view adult movies ?  If so, I would suggest renting a movie that has both male and female bisexuality in it and see how he reacts.  Try opening up a dialogue while watching the movie.  Let him know you're okay with it.  Ask him nonchalanty if he has ever thought about it.  Nothing too probing just simple questions of curiosity.  Make him feel that being bi is no big deal regardless if male or female.  

I know you don't want to be confrontational but you do need to get to the bottom of this for your own safety.  

I hope this helps and please write back and let me know how you're doing.  If you want to chat my Yahoo IM is Guy_curious2.