Expert: Guy Curious - 3/17/2011

Question
My fiance came out to me a few days ago and I'm having trouble coming to terms with the revelation that he's sexually attracted to men.  It's not really that I'm angry: my initial feelings do have some component of anger - he's known for years, but let me date him unawares for a year and half before telling me (just a couple months before the wedding) - but I understand how difficult that would have been at an earlier and less open stage of our relationship.  We have been working on communication for the past year and I feel like we've gained a healthy mutuality and a fair amount of trust to build on, and I'm trying to receive his willingness to tell me this secret as an expression of his trust in me to accept him for who he really is.

And I'm trying, but I don't know what a lifetime of monogamy looks like when one member of the partnership is bisexual.  (We are faithful members of a religious community in which "til death do us part" is normative, as is the sanctity and exclusivity of sexual relationships, so neither divorce nor open marriage are really options if things get difficult later on.)  

So...I consider myself an open-minded person and I support the LBGT community, I know that he's never cheated on me, and I believe him when he says that he'd never be unfaithful or leave me.  I guess my fears are similar to any other woman finding out: What if I can't satisfy him in the long term?  What if he's fooling himself (and me) into believing that he's not just gay?  I'm worried that he's going to wake up in 10, 20, or 30 years and feel regret for never having fully explored part of who he is (and that someone - he or I and/or any children we have - will be hurt by his decision at that point).

He's a sweet, courageous, and intelligent man and I know that he will be a good husband and father (someday).  I just worry - and worry that my worries and insecurities will haunt our relationship from this point onward.  I appreciate your responses to other peoples' questions on here and I thank you for any advice you have to offer.

Answer
There is no way to predict what will happen in the future.  Who's to say your feelings towards him won't change in 10 years, 20 years, etc. ?  People change as they age and relationships need to be somewhat dynamic.  

I was in my 30's, married with two young children when I came out to my wife.  I didn't know how she would take it.  Would she stay ?  Would she leave ?  Would my family disown me if she left and they found out it was due to my sexuality ?  

For me it would have been worse to live the rest of my life wondering about my bisexuality instead of experiencing it.  I didn't want to go to my grave wondering, "What if...."  At this time your fiance may firmly believe he can be happy living a life of monogamy and he may stay this way for the rest of your lives.  Down the road he may start to think, to wonder, "What if...."  There's no way to predict the future.  Down the road he may become attracted to other women.  Maybe you'll become attracted to another man.  

Some bisexual males live in and are happy with a monogamous relationship with their wives.  Some choose to hide their sexuality and hook up with guys when the wife's not around.  Some live their lives wondering, "What if..."   

What does he want at this time ?  Does he want to explore ?  Has the topic been discussed ?  I suggest asking him but be prepared for his answer.  I talked with a couple a year ago that was married and he came out to his wife that he was curious.  They agreed that he should explore this and then they would go from there.  He found a guy, they had sex and then he went home and told his wife he was over it.  He had to "get it out of his system" so to speak.  Now he doesn't sit around thinking, "What if..."

Keep the lines of communication open.  Keep all conversations civil, calm and non-judgmental.  It's better that the two of you work this out before you get married.

I hope this helps and please write back and let me know how you're doing.