Expert: Guy Curious - 3/19/2011

Question
Hi There,

I’m so pleased I’ve finally found a site that gives good, sound, non bias advice which I very much need at this point in time, please stick with me as this is also a brain dump on my part so may be a bit all over the place.

I was always aware that my husband was bisexual and never had an issue with it, I knew he’d had male partners in the past and that was fine, so long as it didn’t come into our marriage in the  present.  However – following a hiccup a couple of weeks ago which caused me to leave the house things have changed (not quite sure for better or not?) but the issue was with a woman friend of his and my jealousy not with a man.  Following a flurry of texting where we both said that we didn’t want our marriage to end (as we do love each other so very much) my hubby finally told me that he was struggling with his bisexuality and didn’t know if he could spend the rest of his life living with the idea that he would never have sex with a man again.   I found this quite distressing mainly because he seems to have been in such turmoil for so long and didn’t tell me, saying that, I haven’t slept very well since our very open and frank conversations (most nights since it happened) which was very much appreciated on my part and very liberating on his I think, he says that he feels a great weight has been lifted off his shoulder (as you did).

I think for me the issue/fear is that he would get attached to a male partner, although he does say that’s not how it works and it’s purely a physical thing, he’d like me to be there when it happens so that it’s open and honest and I know he’s protected etc but not sure I can do that at this point in time, or that it will be a regular Saturday night thing, something else he said wouldn’t be the case – more of an urge to have sex than anything - or perhaps that when we make love he’s thinking of someone else and not me – I need to remain his central focus so it’s a confidence thing.  I haven’t agreed to this as yet but do find what you and your wife did a definite avenue of investigation.  What I don’t understand is why I’m feeling so stressed/distressed at this situation given that I knew he was bi? I have a churning in my stomach that won’t go away but not because the idea of him being with another man is repulsive as I don’t (don’t ask me why as I have no idea and hubby thinks is curious too!!).

For me it was always about the women and not the men, he has a lot of female friends.  And for me it’s about the emotions and psychology and not about the physical as we have a good sex life.  Are my feelings normal?  I don’t know how I’m going to react when he first goes off to meet or how he’s going to react, first he has to leave home both of us knowing where he’s going then he has to come home knowing what he’s done and not knowing how I’m going to be.

I’ve scoured the internet looking for some kind of forum so that I can speak to people in a similar position to me just to get some hints and tips but alas there doesn’t appear to be any, certainly not in the UK that I can find  and those that I have found come down on the “wronged” partner and seem to spew hate etc which is something I don’t want to hear, do you know of any good forums?

Hubby has read this post as we have promised total honesty and we look forward to your response.

With Kindest Regards.

Answer
Afternoon,

A positive item in this whole situation is the fact that your husband told you what he is struggling with.  Many married bisexual guys simply cheat on their spouses with other bisexual guys thus violating the trust of the marriage.  When the wife finds out she is typically devastated.  Your husband was upfront about his struggle.  

Speaking for myself, my attraction to guys is strictly physical.  I have no desire for a relationship, just sex.  Your feelings of stress are understandable.  You knew your husband was bisexual but he did not vocalize his desires before now.  Question, would you feel the same if he was attracted to another woman ?  

If you are not comfortable with him being with other guys then tell him.  At that point he will need to decide what is best for him.  He may choose to abandon his search for sex with other guys but his desire may very well burn in the back of his mind forever.  He may choose to end the marriage to avoid hurting you.  Be prepared either way.  

Some couples open their marriage to others and it works fine for all, sometimes it doesn't.  Only the two of you can decide what is best for yourselves and each other.

I hope this helps and please write back and let me know how you're doing.