Expert: Guy Curious - 3/23/2011

Question
Many women who find out their boyfriend or husband is bi are hurt, especially if they didn't know and they are far into a relationship.  So, it seems much advice on this subject deals with that aspect and understanding that people struggle with their bisexuality.  

For one thing, before I started dating my boyfriend, he told me he was bi.

My situation is that we are now six months into our relationship and I’m thinking about some intimate conversations we’ve had. I’m concerned about down the line, since I think we are such a great match and will be together for a while, what I can do to make sure he is happy and I don’t hold him back.  As far as I know, he's only been with women and certainly only had relationships with women.  

Our situation is also interesting because both of us are very sexually inexperienced. I was a virgin when I met him (and while I don’t make promises a woman wouldn’t strike my fancy, I identify as heterosexual). So for different reasons, but not totally different ones since we’re both shy, if we are together “forever” it just brings it into sharp relief that two people in that situation cannot possibly be completely satisfied. Both of us feel there are gaps in our personal sexual experience. But even if we had tried everything (whatever that means), we’re still human and no one person can be everything for any other one person even if they’re together for 50 or 60 years!

I’m not jealous, I don’t feel betrayed (which some of these comings out have elicited). I’m more concerned about not placing barriers to his fulfillment as some way of proving something or for any other reason. I don’t wish to possess him and wouldn’t you rather create an atmosphere in which your boyfriend wants to and feels obligated to tell you what he truly feels and wants than create a reason for lying and sneaking or unhappiness? I’m ultra-realistic about all of this. Jealousy is a waste of energy. His best friend is his only other long-term girlfriend before me. And it doesn’t weird me out that he’s told me about fantasies involving men. I’m truly touched and happy he felt comfortable telling me because we are friends before we’re lovers.

So my issue is, how can I come to terms with accepting that we may in fact end up having an open relationship? And how do I let it happen? I would want to leave open any way for him to experiment (and me if I felt like it) so that his being with me is not something that gets in the way of his own personal sexual fulfillment and life experiences.  I think both of us are at a loss as to what to do.  Luckily, we're very honest and open with each other and talk about this stuff.  That seems half the battle.

Answer
It's admirable that you are so open minded as to allow him to explore his sexuality while still in a relationship with you.  Many people go through life wondering, "What if...."  Usually this leads to regrets down the road.

The first suggestion I have is to sit down and talk with him to discover what he wants.  Does he want to explore ?  As long as he is comfortable talking about this he may just decide to do so.  Hopefully you are prepared for such an answer.  If he does and you're comfortable with the idea then do it.  Set up a profile on a Lifestyle website such as www.swinglifestyle.com, be honest in your description and screen your offers VERY carefully.  It's been our experience that many of the offers we received were from married guys who were cheating.  Sad but true.

After his first encounter he will have a deeper understanding of his sexuality and from there the two of you can decide on the future of your relationship.

I'm happy to see there are wives/girlfriends out there who are supportive of their bisexual partners.  Many bisexual guys will forever stay in the closet out of fear of rejection.

I hope this helps and please write back and let me know how you're doing.