Expert: Guy Curious - 6/26/2011

Question
My husband and I married 5yrs ago after having lived together prior to that for 5yrs. I'm 44 and he is 38. He is a wonderful, caring, honorable man that I adore completely. We've had an amazing life together thus far! We both highly value each other and our relationship. All that being said, I need help! Numerous times over the years I've stumbled upon clues to my husband's possible bicuriousness and just never thought much about it at those times (having 2 teenage boys in the house, you never know what you'll come across!)... About a year ago however, I started noticing a change in him, loss of sex drive, tired or preoccupied, just a general sense of distance and "going through the motions". I am the half of us that is the communicator when it comes to anything sexual between us. I'm also the one that is much more sexually open and open minded. I'm up for almost anything he'd like as long as it's mutally satisifying, agreed upon, and poses no negative ramifications to our marriage and relationship. Numerous times over the years I've expressed these feelings to him (always at carefully chosen moments) and he always lovingly responds but states that he's perfectly happy and satisfied with our sex life. When I gently probe him (again at appropriate times and settings) about any fantasy he might have and/or like to explore the response is always that there are none.  So, this light background in mind, imagine my complete devastation in finding by accident (we do not keep separate emails, passwords, etc) a Craigslist account right there on the family desktop where he has been surfing and yes, responding to ads placed by married bicurious men!! (one even included pics of him in my black lace stockings and garters) In reading his responses, I can tell quite a few things. 1) he has not met with any of these people as they seem to be trying to get him to commit, 2) he states in several that he is very happily married and has no intention of that changing - he just feels unfullfilled sexually, 3) he states that he's not interested in any type of kissing, hugging, holding, cuddling - just wants the sex and leave, 4) that he is a bottom strictly....
My hurt comes into play because of the deception. If I'm so obviously open to dicussing our sexuality, why this need to hide and be deceitful? Yes, I was angry...not over his curiosity but his inabiility or unwillingness to be honest and open with me. Yes, I'm still very hurt and somewhat resentful over the way this situation unfolded, but this is not my reason for writing today. Yes,I did let him know what I'd stumbled upon (which, btw, made all the years of little "clues" fall into place) and probably not in the best way imagineable! Needless to say, he was mortified! Scared, embarrassed, making excuses, etc... I'll admit at the time I was too stunned and hurt to be much help to him so we both kinda floundered around like fish out of water! I did ask him a few questions: had he met with anyone? did I need to get an STD check? (ok, not a good one in hindsight), where those my stockings or did he buy his own!?  why? why hadn't he said just one time during one of my oh so heartfelt (sarcasm - not good either!) conversations with him that he'd felt these desires? To which he mostly responded with a genuinely sorrowfull "I don't know" and "God knows I wish I had". He did answer that no, he had not met with anyone ever, and nearly came undone about the STD question. I think you understand the gist of my initial reaction, but please know that it was based on the method of revelation, not the revelation itself. Our sex that night and for the next two nights after was the most unbelievable in our history. It felt to me that this event (even though not discussed or resolved in any way)gave ME a freedom to let myself soar and "come out" from the Mom/Wife yoke and be the very sexual person that I've been trying to share with him. He said he was blown away and was very vocal about how awesome our sex was during those days following. I took what little knowledge I had of his secret desires and worked them into my lovemaking with him, for the first time. He responded beautifully and I know he enjoyed the experiences. That's why I'm so confused that since those three nights, the experiences have never been allowed to be repeated. He refuses to discuss anything more about the bicurious subject, let alone his personal feelings about it. In my desire to I guess show my openness to his wants, I expressed that I had almost bought him something lacy and that I had a thought of placing the box and a note saying that I daydreamed about seeing him in this on his pillow to find when he came home. For some reason, this had the polar opposite affect on him. He was not in the least accepting of the idea and went on to state that he wished I had never found out and that if he could "pluck the entire memory of this from my mind, he would in a heartbeat", that he knew he was not bisexual and didnt want it be discussed any more. He wasnt mean or ugly, just very intense and sincere. I love this man. Probably half as much as he loves me. His happiness and well being are very important to me. Is he blocking me out or himself? Has he truely experienced enough to know this isnt for him or does he just want "me" out of the equation? I've long felt he was either sexually repressed or so out of touch with his own sexuality...
We love each other very much. I want to help. I need help...

Answer
Not the best way to find out about your husbands fantasies, huh ?  Your husband's 180 soon after his 'coming out' conversation doesn't surprise me.  He had some time to process the conversation and became uncomfortable with the fact that you now know about his 'alter' personality.  Understandable.  Many closeted bi-men forever stay in the closet out of fear of rejection by their wives.  Even when the wife initiates the conversation and expresses her openness and acceptance it's just not enough for the guy to admit that which he desires.  It's fear and it's very powerful.  

He could be scared that you will change your mind once you've had some time to process this revelation.  He could be scared that you will start to think less of him, maybe view him as less of a man.  

The only thing you can do is give him some time to process his emotions.  There's no telling how much time he will need.  All you can do is be there if/when he wants to talk about what's going on in his mind.  Probably not what you want to hear but if you try and push the topic chances are he will shut down even further.  

After I came out to my wife I felt like the weight of world had been lifted off of my shoulders.  To this day I still have some fear that she will change her mind and become uncomfortable with my bisexuality but I am who I am, I can't change the way I feel or the desires I have.  

I hope this helps and please write back and let me know how you're doing.  If you're husband wants to chat I can be reached on Yahoo IM under the name guy_curious2.