Expert: Guy Curious - 7/1/2011

Question
QUESTION: I have been married two years. My husband had very low interest in sex since within a few weeks of our marriage. He comes back late at night bcz of his job, sleeps the entire day and leaves for work again in the evening. By the second week of marriage, he started coming back even later, use tiredness as excuse to watch TV and sleep in the other room while i slept in the bedroom. sex was limited to once or twice a week on the weekends.  even then he does it without interest, more keen to get a response from me than in enjoying it himself. he has used work as an excuse to avoid sex.
When i suggested he may have a health problem or that our sex life was not normal and see a counsellor, he said this what we were doing is perfectly normal.
2 months after marriage he was ready to take up a job in another country and he told me that he would be unable to visit me or to take me with him for almost  2 years.
When that job fell through, he took up a job in another city  5 months into the marriage without bothering to discuss with me, telling that its ok for spouses to be in long distance marriages.

he would not take interest in having sex even during the periods when i was trying to conceive telling he could not take the headache. He has been away from me for most of our marriage..staying with me for varying periods off and on

As a personality he is narcissistic, vain about his appearance, has a lot of gal pals with whom he bitches, discusses and advises them about clothes, their sex lives etc.  I find he has no sexual interest in me but nor have i observed it in any other woman. Though he is interested in woman's clothes, accessories, glamour. He is essentially a man with feminine interests.
In fact very few married male friends.

At twice i noticed that he has stepped up the sexual activity by his own initiative...coming back and initiating sex in the morning .....which is rarest of rare...bcz he in general has an excuse that he is tired. i was pleasantly surprised and happy till i realized that this was always when  some of our family were staying with us. he kept it up for just 2-3 days in a rows till i was happy and satisfied. the idea seemed that i would show a happy face to his family. He seem to have a dread of my exposing some details of our sex lives with his family

he is physically demonstrative, always in public or when someone is around to watch...but when alone...he shows no desire or passion even during sex...he is not aroused by being near me. Sex has now been like a duty with him..once a week when he is around, no more no less. All this within the first two years of our marriage.

He dislikes taking up any of the traditionally manly roles in the marriage. I am both the man and woman of the house. He avoid  taking up any responsibility in our marriage.

he has a gay friend who visits occasionally from abroad. whose sexual orientation he hid from me and avoided that i should meet him. When intuition struck, i asked if his friend was gay and he admitted.  

He used to make fun of a married guy with gay tendencies in the office who used to show interest in my husband. But i think that guy must have seen something in my husband to be attracted. Also my hubby described certain gestures he used to encourage the guy all the while making fun of him behind his back.

All his female friends treat him as completely harmless...though many are single,none of the girls have ever shown interest in marrying him, he is considered almost like one of the girls.

once i asked him straight out if he was gay, he was casual...saying that had he been gay, he would be cool with it...it would have been great.  

however now i questioned why he would not have enough sex so we could even try to start a family in the two years. The return was him blaming my fertility, my character...he has been lying to everyone that i have an insatiable sex drive wheres we have not had sex more than 20 times if even that... in the 2 years.

I have always loved him...he knows that...but he has never been sexually attracted to me or shown any passion after long absences...now does he have that sense of caring for me as a man cares for a woman he loves. I feel he needs a mother more than a wife and i have essentially been a mother to him. But the moment i want to be a "wife" he throws  a tantrum, lies and in general avoids discussing or confronting the real problem.   

I am sick and tired of raising a child...rather than having a husband. After i asked him to move out....i have tried my best to get him to talk...or to meet me. But he does not have the guts to even meet me....but has maligned me to everyone.

Is there a chance he may really be bisexual or he is just being the psychologically weak character that he is, anything to avoid responsibility of any kind.

ANSWER: Sounds to me your husband does not value your marriage.  His behavior is not typical of a loving, committed marriage.  You only have two choices at this point, accept the way he is or end the marriage.  No one should stay in an unhappy marriage.  You've suggested counseling which he refused.  He refuses to sit down and have an honest, open conversation regarding your marriage and the problems that exist.  

I see that you're from India.  What is the societal view of male bisexuality ?  Maybe he is bisexual and is using the marriage to hide his bisexuality.  This would explain his lack of interest in sex.  

You could try sitting down with him and having a non confrontational discussion about his sexuality.  Based on what you've told me it doesn't sound like he is willing to discuss anything let alone a touchy subject such as bisexuality.  

At this point you really don't have but two choices, stay or leave.  Life is too short to stay in an emotionally and psychologically abusive marriage.  Find someone who is willing to love you and treat you the way a person should be.  

I know the thought of ending a marriage can be scary but staying in a bad marriage is worse.

I hope this helps and please write back and let me know how you're doing.


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Is it possible that he just has a low sex drive and refusing to acknowledge it? Or too stressed out at work...he smokes a lot too. Could they be contributing to a low sex drive.
If only he had shown effort during the periods i was trying to conceive...maybe this doubts about his sexuality would not have come to my mind

Only once by chance i saw an online msg by an office colleague whom he had just left a while back at the office..a guy....writing "miss u and sad".
I am sure men though great pals dont write miss you messages to each other


Because of his low interest in sex, i have been secretly compassionate about the fact that he maybe genuinely confused about his sexual orientation. Never doubting that he may be cheating on me.

But after reading this message, a new possibility is difficult to accept, that he may actually be actively bisexual while we were married....possibly putting me at risk too

Are there any other signs or attitudes i can look for to confirm or deny my doubts about his sexuality

ANSWER: A low testosterone level could explain his lack of sexual drive but based upon what you've told me I doubt that is the root cause.  The online message of "miss u and sad" is a clear signal in my opinion that something is going on between the two of them.  Guys do not typically send such messages unless there is some sort of relationship in place.  

If he has been engaging other males in sex then he has put you at risk for a STD/HIV.  I strongly suggest seeing your doctor and asking him/her to run a full panel of STD/HIV tests.  You cannot take any chances with your health.  

You could tell him you saw the online message and see how he reacts.  If he cannot/will not explain the message then I think he's definitely hiding something.  

Everyone deserves to be happy and secure in their marriage, not worrying about a spouse's possible infidelity.

I hope this helps and please write back and let me know how you're doing.


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: HI, thanks a lot for your advice. In our culture it is difficult to explain the concept of husband's bisexuality as a reason to end a marriage. Even difficult to convince myself..let alone to family and friends. Because the idea is difficult to confront and hard to explain to others.  

Which is why i need to work through the various signs myself and reach a conclusion by logic, since its not possible to get hard evidence. We are not staying together anymore and he refuses to communicate or meet up with me.

I still love him, if possible i do not wish to expose him to his family. If he would talk, maybe i'll support him or accept it...how i wish he had been a caring and responsible husband. Because i left him not because of doubts about his sexuality but because of lack of communication, feelings of rejection, unfulfillment in our physical relationship and family life and in general being left to fend for myself, whereas he was deriving all possible benefits from me. It was a highly unequal relationship.   
Now though, I feel such guilt that his life would be ruined because of my step of leaving him. There will be no one to take care of him and people are already suspecting something.

His bisexuality is something i need to be convinced of to avoid a guilt trip imposed by myself and the surrounding people.If i'm convinced, i can avoid the psychological trap of being the martyr and going back into a relationship which i know can never be good for me if he IS bisexual.  
  
More to the point. He had been telling me about a recurrent boil/infection near his anal area, every few months or so. Such has been our marriage that I have never seen him fully exposed so this is only as per his word.
Is it possible that he may be picking it up by anal sex...especially if was recurring.
Also is it possible to get a really bad step throat by oral sex.

Answer
I admire your reasoning for trying to maintain the marriage even though I don't agree.  As you have stated your husband has left you to fend for yourself.  He doesn't communicate, he rejects you, leaves you wanting physically.  These problems alone are reason enough to leave him and find someone who will desire you both mentally and physically.  

I'm not a doctor so I can't comment on what the boil/infection could be.  If he has been engaging in sex with other people you should see your doctor and make sure you are healthy.  If he does have some type of infection you could pick it up via oral sex.

I hope this helps and please write back and let me know how you're doing.