Expert: Guy Curious - 9/2/2011

Question
After dating a few months, my now fiance explained he was orally bi. (We've been together for 1yr. 7mo.)  I knew he had been in 3 somes and with other couples with his ex.  We're both very sexual and both have a high sex drive.  He couldn't believe I'd never been in a 3 some or experienced the bi side.  He was abused as a child and forced to do oral on men and women but said he soon started to enjoy the oral on men as much as women.  He says he's never done this behind my back and said he wants me to be there and involved because this is something he wants to do now and then.  My first reaction was I'm not sure I want to be part of this but I don't want it done behind my back...that's cheating. He insists I be there or he says he'll just do it and tell me if it's what I want. If I'm dead set against it he says he'll never do it, he doesn't want to risk loosing me.  He's also afraid once I witness the "act of" it'll change our relationship and he may loose me. I want him to have what he desires but being in a three some with another man has no appeal to me at all. I'm willing to try but I'm afraid it'll make things weird if I'm not into it. We view the "act" of sex differently.  I was very sexually active when single but when I'm in love sex takes a different meaning for me...don't think it does for him...it's an activity that feels good.  I really wish I was more like him.  My question is "how do other women deal with moving forward with this"?  I believe with all my heart his desire will soon come between us if I don't find a way to embrace it somehow.  He also says if he's going to get what he wants orally from a guy, he wants me to be satisfied as well.  It bother's me he wants to see me with another man, I guess I don't understand it since I'd kill him if I saw him with another woman.  He's also explained it should be with someone we never see again, he wants no strings. We've not acted on this yet.  He's not really addressed the subject in a few months but I can tell by the porn history on his computer he's still thinking about it.  I just want him happy but not sure how to move forward.  Is there anywhere to find other women who are in my situation?  He'd give me the world, I know that and I want him happy, totally happy.

Answer
It appears you have come to a crossroads in your relationship.  You should decide what YOU want in a relationship and go from there.  If you want a monogamous, heterosexual relationship with a guy and your fiance wants an open relationship, there really isn't a common ground here.  It's good he was open and upfront with his desires rather than just cheating like most guys do but if you're not okay with it then you need to make a decision.  If you tell him you absolutely do not want him to be with other people and he agrees to it and you know this will make him unhappy, do you think the relationship is going to be a happy one ?

My wife and I are similar in regards to how we view sex.  She sees it as more of an intimate act and I view it more as something that makes me feel good but we managed to find some common ground and it works for us.  

I strongly suggest you make a decision before you get married.  It's far easier to end an engagement than a marriage.  

I know you want him to be happy but if making him happy will make you miserable, that's not a good relationship.

I hope this helps and please write back and let me know how you're doing.