Expert: Guy Curious - 1/18/2012

Question
I've been with my boyfriend for about ten years now, and we have two kids together. He's been friends with a guy for about six years, and this guy has lived with him twice. The guy is currently living with my boyfriends, at his mother's house. My concern is, they seem to spend a lot of time together. Over the years, they have worked together on music, and right now they are business partners on selling music beats online. My boyfriend claims that this is the reason why his friend is living there. But, the guys stays there rent free, he doesn't have a job, and my boyfriends mother cooks his meals. This makes me mad, because I am struggling with our two children, while his friends gets to live it up at his house. But anyway, they spend all of their time together. Neither of them have jobs, so they're at the house all day together. The reason why I am having suspicions is because I've never seen his friend with any girls. He seems to have no interest in dating. And, I don't think that's normal for a thirty year old guy. Now, some weekends, I stay over at my boyfriends house, and I try to observe their behavior together, but I don't see anything too strange. Although, whenever I come over, my boyfriends is constantly disappearing into the room with this guy. They watch sports all day together, and play the video game. I have to beg him to spend time with me and the kids. He cooks for this guy sometimes, and he shares everything with him. And when we talk on the phone, he's constantly bringing up quotes that this guys says. And, my boyfriend is constantly trying to prove his masculinity around his friend. Anyhow, my suspensions became stronger, when I spotted two condom packages on my boyfriend's dresser. I come over to his house every weekend, and I have never seen the condoms there before. He claims that they've been sitting on the dresser for a while. He and I don't use condoms. Never did. He says that he bought them, because I was pregnant, and he didn't want to get semen on the baby. Yet, when I was pregnant, he did not mention the condoms to me. I asked him was he cheating on me, and he said he wasn't. As far as I know, he's always home, he doesn't have a cell phone right now, or a job or any money. And, he lives out in the middle of nowhere. So, I kind of doubt that he's seeing another girl right now. So, I'm trying to figure why he bought the condoms. Lately, I've been getting on him about HIV/Aids, and the whole down low controversy in the black community, and he's been very open about discussing it. But, he swears he's not like that. However, he did admit to me that he was curious about transgender women. He even looked up a few sites online. I asked him why he did it, and he said that he wanted to see what the big buzz was about transgenders. I work with a transgender woman, and I always tell him about the attention she gets from men and women. But, he said that he was disgusted by what he saw, and that he had no interest in looking up transgenders online ever again. Also, we've been having a lot of anal sex lately, due to the fact that I just had a baby. We've experimented with anal sex in the past. He seems to be really into it now. Also, he's allowing me to explore his region, which we never did in the past. Now, all of sudden he likes me licking his anus. He didn't ask me to do it. It just hinted, by moving his anus closer to my mouth. I don't know if any of this means he's bi, but I'm just having my suspensions. I'm having a really hard time trying to figure things out. I just worry that he and his friend might be closer than they appear. His friend is really quiet, and kind of anti-social, so I can't really figure him out. I just know that I've never seen him with any girls. They both always talk negative about gays and gay sex, so that makes it even harder to figure them out. Not only did I find condoms in my boyfriend's room, but I also saw several bottles of lotion. I even spotted his friend going into his room a couple times, looking for things.
         If somebody can please help me figure out what's going on, that would be great. Maybe I'm over analyzing. I don't know.

Answer
It's very hard to most men to admit to themselves and others that they are bisexual or bicurious.   Today's society does not view bi males in a very positive manner.  Based on what you've told me I do think it's probable your boyfriend is experimenting with his friend.  Pushing someone to admit they are bi typically does not work and often causes the other person to withdraw even further.  That being said your health may be at risk if your boyfriend is having sex with other people so you do need to get to the bottom of this quickly.

You could try sitting down with him in a non-confrontational setting and try to get him to open up.  Let him know you're only trying to understand where the relationship is going so that both of you are on the same page.  I don't know what your view is on male bisexuality.  If you're okay with the idea let him know this, it may help him open up.

I know you're in a rough spot and just trying to make sense of what is going on so I hope this helps.  Please write back and let me know if you were able to make any progress or if you want to chat further.