Bisexuality/My bi-curious girlfriend
QUESTION: I have a girlfriend who really likes me. She says I am what every girl wishes they could find in a man. Sounds good right? Well, she is also bi curious. Most of her first experiences were with girls, and she finds women more attractive then men. In fact, she doesn't find much attractive about men at all she says, though she has dated two men, and the longest relationship she had was with a guy. What got her to notice me was my hair, my height, and my demeanor (she thought I'd be really nice).
I was raised and still am a Christian, who believes being anything other than strait to be wrong. I have been challenging this to a degree, because my girlfriend is someone I really care for and want to understand. I've come to terms with her past experiences, but the one thing that bugs me still is this.
She had two dreams recently: 1) a 12 girl orgy in which she was involved (she said I was watching lol), and in this dream there was lots of showering, touching, moaning, basically: a porno fantasy. 2) second dream was a very romantic setting with just me and her. There were romantic lights, music, we danced, there was a fire, and it sounded really nice.
Here's another important point. She has an abusive father; mostly mental and at times physical. They say girl's subconsciously want to end up with men like their fathers, and the same goes for guys and their mothers. What creeps her out is how much I remind her of her father, and yet she still likes me so much. Of course I'm not abusive and never will be, but I think her lack of trust in me stems from this. She's still a virgin, and says she doesn't trust me enough to have sex with me, not that I'm pushing for it (I really am not). However, she says she wouldn't pass up a 12 girl orgy if given the chance and we weren't together.
So in my mind, I'm thinking: She wouldn't pass up sex with a bunch of girls she doesn't know, but doesn't trust her boyfriend to have sex with him.
Like I said, sex isn't my end goal, but I want my girlfriend to trust me! I'm not going to be her father! I would never think of hurting her mentally or physically. I would never hit her, insult her, cheat on her, or leave her if she got pregnant or something equally traumatic. It's just who I am, I have morals. Is this just something that needs time to build? Of course I suppose I'm not ready to have sex either, because sex at the wrong time can ruin a good thing; and of course if we weren't together I wouldn't pass up a twelve girl orgy either :)
I guess I just get the feeling sometimes, that if I was a girl, she'd have gone all the way with me by now. She would trust me completely and tell me everything. However, because I am a guy, I haven't gotten all the way into her mind yet. I want so desperately for her to trust me. How can I get her to, and how can I come to terms with the bisexual curiosity? Any attempt to make sense of this situation would be most appreciated.
ANSWER: That you for receiving me Cody:)I think I can help you with your situation.
I know it must me hard for you to morally understand homosexual content. There is a million and one reasons I can give you to let you know its alright. My current love/crush/girlfriend (or what-have-you) actually is a full blown lesbian and she struggles with religious folk. Especially with gay marriage rights in the United States. Although it gets even more sticky for bisexual people. If she has the urge to have sex with other women just understand that her feelings are VERY real. Ask yourself this, would you want to have sex with another man? Probably not ;) so its just not some random urge. But This is for you to figure out on your own. I cant teach you things against your religion. Just try and understand and I think you are doing a wonderful job:)
To be honest Cody dreams can't necessarily define your orientation. Some strait men get confused about their gay dreams but they are 100% heterosexual. So the fact she had a dream about a 12 girl orgy means little but her opinion AWAKE means everything.
Her having an abusive father can cause her to be sexually confused, actually. A strait woman will be more attracted to men like her father because growing up she trusts that man with her life. A father is supposed to be supportive, extremely loving and TRUST WORTHY which is why a woman will find someone like her father because subconsciously she will know he will support her, protect her and will always love her. You know, marriage and baby material.
Her problem in trusting you more than likely is coming from her mistrust in her father which would go for any man not just you so don't feel too bad.
It also REALLY depends on how long you guys have been together. The longer you guys are together the more she will get to know you and the more she has a reason to trust you. Shes obviously not going to trust you for no reason right? I'm sure its nothing personal. In the mean time keep up on your promises, and let her know you will always be there for her if she needs you. This is important and I cant stress it enouph. The more you are there for her the closer she will get to you. Girls also love to talk about personal stuff and for someone to understand, LISTEN, and understand. It all takes time.
I totally get your confusion. Your girlfriend wants to have sex with 12...12 WOMEN! but not you? Her boyfiend? haha it does sound bad but don't fret:) What most people don't understand is "lesbian attraction/lust" works much different than female heterosexual attraction/lust. Lesbians love the same but attraction and the way they function together as a couple and in the bed is really quite different. When a lesbian looks at another woman she feels warmth and comfort... when a strait woman looks at a man she sees not just that but how powerful you are. you are her guardian, her protector. In a sense to women men can be intimidating when it comes to sex. She instinctively has to. The man "fights" to win her heart and there is a lot of waiting involved. As far as you know she may never have sex with you until you guys are married. Which, at a young age, you don't know if that's a possibility yet. Focus on her. Her personality. Sex will come to you when shes ready. She wants to get to know you:)
Ether that or she really is gay and shes avoiding having sex with you which is a possibility unfortunately for you.
Just remember that a woman's mind works way differently than a mans do and she also has different instincts. Sex could mean something way different to her than it does to you.
Here is a prime example of how men and women are sexually diverse:
If a woman walked into a gymnasium in nothing but a string bikini every guy would whoop and holler right? What if a man with a speedo walked in... yeah every woman would get grossed out. that's just something interesting to think about:)
SO! In conclusion, remember to give her time and dig as deep into her mind as you can through easy conversation. Explore her likes and dislikes, dreams, her past, anything. Get to know her. Be there for her whenever she needs you. Be patient and she will come to you. Then when she falls deeply for you and she trusts you because she knows you she will let you in and THEN you can explore her sexuality. If she loves having sex with you maybe bring up the thought of bringing in a female friend for some experimenting is you BOTH do wish.
I hope I was able to help! You hit my expertise right on the head and I enjoyed you question.
Good luck with your relationship!
PS if you have any more questions or if I wasn't too clear on something please let me know. Thanks!:)
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: I doubt my girlfriend is a lesbian. She thinks she is going through a faze, but I think it might be more than that. Just the way she responds to me when I ask her questions on the subject, I can tell she really finds girls attractive. What makes me feel bad is I lack that basic, physical attraction she has to girls.
However, I can turn her on. When we are fooling around she gets really into it. She says I do everything better than any of her previous partners (of course she could be lying :) but I don't think she is). I wouldn't suggest bringing in another girl because I wouldn't want to share her with anyone, and she said the same thing about me. I guess what worries me is whether or not she is truly bisexual, and is really into me, or if she is actually a lesbian who hasn't accepted it yet. Considering her level of honesty, how much she likes me, and how much fun we have when we are intimate would suggest the former is more likely I think.
What continues to bother me is the idea that since she doesn't find men all that attractive, she is much more inclined to do things quickly with girls than with me. Some of her stories should come right out of a Playboy magazine. Even though she likes what I do, I feel she must be less passionate about it. For instance, two of her stories had her with a friend, who she'd been friends with for a while, and one night they just started doing stuff and didn't stop. One girl she spent the whole night with (not necessarily being intimate the whole time but still). I just want her to be as forward with me is all. I want to get to a point where she is 100% comfortable with me in both body and mind. I tell her how beautiful she is every single day and she still doesn't believe me since she has such a low self esteem due to her father. You're right about the father thing, I just want to overcome that somehow. She has a lot of guy friends and I know it's because they wanted to be with her, but she automatically friend zones them more often than not. With girls, she does see comfort, and I think she likes turning a friendship with a girl into an intimate relationship. Luckily I was never friend zoned :)
I know this wasn't much of a question and your previous answer was very good, but if there is any further insight you can provide I would be very appreciative. We've been dating for a month and a half, and it's my first relationship btw. I don't have any prior experience to go off of so I don't really know the time frame for trust and all. All I know is she can trust me because I would never betray her in anyway, and I just want to get that across to her some how.
Cody, My apologies for the wait. I had technical problems.
Your girlfriend is very bi-curious. I doubt you lack the attraction she has for women. In reality shes ether more or just as attracted to you as she is women. Listen, shes curious about women but that doesnt mean shes going to suddenly realize shes a lesbian. Shes with you now am i right? This is when she decides if shes going to experiment or keep you. I'm sure shes curious but i doubt she will beak up with you. She is sexually attracted to you and I'm sure she loves you very much.
Just remember that you will go through lots of relationships to help you understand how to do these things and help you find the one you will marry. Good luck, man. Let me know how things are going and if there is anything else you want to ask about. I will respond faster next time. Sorry about the previous inconvenience.
Best of Wishes