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Bisexuality/My boyfriend is bisexual but homophobic. he hates himself and wants to pretend it never happened.


My bf of 6 months told me when he was a boy, about 10, he had aa sexual relationship with his 2 best friends over 2 years or so. He also said that he had oral sex with his best friend one night at a hotel a few years ago while he was on a break in his relationship with his then girlfriend. This shocked me cuz he is super macho and very homophobic. He said it disgusted him and he is ashamed of it. He also said he annoyed this to me cuz he lived me so much and wants to marry me so he didn't want to live a lite. He said he's never do it again, it taught him he definitely was not gay. He said it only happened cuz he was drunk.

Now a month ago our sex life got more open, he admitted he liked cum swapping and anal play on him and me. We've explored this, i recently used a toy on him,and i know he really enjoys it. But now he tells me he wants us to have anal sex, I'm not comfortable with that, and he wants me to give him tna. I told him i couldn't do that and he got mad and while drinking said he may have to look elsewhere if i can't fulfill his needs. Later he said he didn't mean this. I told him he can never cheat on me and he should promise me he'd never do anything outside of our relationship with anyone else. I said I'm ok with him being bisexual and maybe we could explore it aa couple one day. He said he would not. He said he's not into men at all and he'd never be with another woman.

Last week i admitted to him that I've had fantasies about a MMF 3 some with him and another guy. He only got upset at the fact that the other guy would touch me but didn't mind the part where he would be with the guy. Now since a month ago he kept seeing this guy friend he never introduced me to and i suspected they were sleeping together. Just last week he called me over saying he'd done drugs with this new friend and was freaking out. I go over, he tells me he wants to have sex with his friend and i watch. I was freaking out inside but said ok cuz i suspected he'd done this before and would only admit if he did it again. So they were pretty much doing it in front of me and i felt so weird about what he was doing it and how much he liked it. He then asks the friend to screw him, but the drugs made him unable to get it up. It was so weird.

Next day he admits that his friend had given him oral a month ago but he didn't think it was cheating since i allowed him to have sex with this guy the last night. He also admitted that he gave his cousin oral as a teen  and that at the hotel 2 years ago his best friend f***ed him. He said he didn't like anal but He admitted he has a fetish about giving oral sex to men. He said it goes back to his sex experiences with his 2 best friends as kids and wanting to feel how great that had felt again.

I got mad at him cuz he had cheated on me a month ago. But later that day he came to me crying and apologizing saying he was so disgusted with himself and being gay is not him. He said he's grossed out by what he's done and only did it when high or drunk. He said he will never do it again, it's not who he is, He loves me so much (i know he does). And he's giving up drinking and going to counseling. I love him and know he loves me so much. I'm just afraid that he keeps things from me, cheated on me and may cheat on me when married. The biggest issue for me is now he wants us both to forget any of this ever happened and never talk about any of his gay experiences again, not even as a couple.

Do i stay and work things out or is he a closet homosexual trying to suppress who he is which will lead to more self hate and problems in or relationship? Can u stop being bisexual? Especially after you've tried and failed before? A part of me really feels he hates who he really is and is afraid of being judged. I want to be with him but i don't want him lying to me or himself. I felt for a while we were getting more open now he's closing himself of trying to suppress who he is which i feel will lead to him screwing up bad. I also feel partly to blame cuz of my reaction to his latest admissions and watching him with another guy. How do i support him but assure he is worth me staying with? Will counseling be enough to fix him if we go together? I think he's fine but we explored this too early in our relationship now he's hating himself. How do i talk to him?

Based on what you've told me I believe he is a closet bisexual who is struggling to come to terms with his sexuality.  I struggled for years trying to figure out who/what I am.  I understand what he is going through, I've been there.

In my opinion, no you cannot stop being bisexual.  Some guys try to repress the desires but they end up coming back ten fold.  

Now, he has lied to you and he has cheated on you.  Yes, I understand he is struggling but a relationship cannot survive unless both people are honest which is he is not at this point.  Can he be in the future, only you can make that decision.  

I have no idea if counseling will help him with his sexuality struggle.  Some guys struggle with it their entire life, others are able to work through the confusing feelings/desires and come out fine.

Let him know you're there for him when he is ready to talk.  That's about all you can do until he is ready to work through this.

I wish you the best and please write back and let me know how the two of you are doing.


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