Bisexuality/I need confirmation


I moved in with my boyfriend a few months ago after quitting my job, putting everything I own in storage and going to a month long academy in order to change careers. He sometimes travels for work and has always had a cell phone that was rarely used because he said the screen didn't work. I had dropped my cell phone in the pool and tried to get my SIM card to work in his other phone and I came across some texts messages from a man named Mark saying, "I hope you aren't sore today...Next time I want to take you from the side.." I immediately called my boyfriend who was out of the country at the time and he denied even knowing anyone by the name of Mark. This number was programmed into the phone and for the week my bf was out of town he denied even knowing this guy. I called Mark and he also denied knowing my bf and tried to tell me it was a misunderstanding on my part. After my bf got back it eventually came out that he had been on Craigslist talking to men about sexual activity. I demanded his password to his email account which he gave me after he deleted everything. I was able to restore his 9 contacts but thank God there was no correspondence left for me to read. By using the email addresses I was able to find most of these men on Facebook, and I even showed my bf that this is the reality of the situation. That all of these men were probably also lying to someone in order to fulfill a selfish fantasy. My bf agreed that seeing these men made him realize that they were real people and it seemed to click. We have sex all the time. I NEVER turn him away. He gets anything he wants from me and he allows me to have some anal play with him. He said he was curious on what it felt like to "receive" and I told him that all we needed to do was to go buy something and that I would be willing to do that with him.  I was far from over the lying but thought we were moving forward. After he cut up the SIM card in his "non working" phone I continued to moniter his other email account. There were a few guys that asked him if he wanted to hook up and I would reply playing dumb that I didn't remember which once he was.. So one of these men forwards back to me an email from my bf responding to a post on Craigslist. This email has a picture of my boyfriend fully erect holding himself and talking about how hard the add had made him. This email was almost a year old!!! We have been together for 3.5 years. I continued to think that it was only internet communication until finally I just came out and asked. My bf has NEVER volunteered any information, he only answers my direct questions. I finally asked him how many men he had been with. His answer was 2 and that most of it was just internet stuff.  I have since moved out of his home (my move was planned before this happened) and now live 50 miles away from him. He claims that he is done with that behavior and has even asked me to marry him which I do not think he really means.  He wants to make our relationship work but I am so disgusted that he has lied to me and that he has had a secret life that I don't know what to do. He has said everything I need to hear and even told me he is willing to sale his home and move closer to me.  My emotions toward him are all over the place and I hate him most of the time for doing this to me. I have never cheated on him. After reading these questions I almost feel like I need to ask him directly how long he has been seeking this out/ been curious. If this has been a life long thing and he is bi I can then walk away. I will not share him. I just don't know what to believe and now there are so many more questions that I want to ask but don't really need to know the answers to because it will drive me insane. He's 53 and I'm 34, he's not feminine but is very much into himself. I know he cheated on his ex wife but I always assumed it was with women. I don't want to waste anymore of my time on someone that is going to do lie and cheat. Am I insane to want to know that 1 detail? How long was this going on? And by him telling me it was 2 people, heck those 2 people could have been the same 2 people for the last 10 years! I'm lost, and mad and I still feel like I'm in the dark. I know his is embarrassed but it would still be going on if he hadn't gotten caught!! And there is NO trust now so I don't know what to do.

Sorry for the delay in responding, I was on vacation.  You've stumbled into quite a situation.  Nothing hurts worse than finding out your significant other has been unfaithful.

Many guys who are bi or curious hide this from others out of fear of rejection.  Society readily accepts female bisexuality, frowns upon male.  It is more accepted today than it has been but still frowned upon.  Your boyfriend is 53.  He grew up in a time when male bisexuality/homosexuality was considered a perversion.  This is ingrained in his mindset.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not making excuses for his behavior.

Ask yourself this question, can I ever fully trust him again?  If not, there is no reason to continue dwelling on this.  You need to move on.  I know you're looking for answers such as why would he do this?  What's wrong with me?  What's wrong with our relationship?  Why wouldn't he just tell me?  It's incredibly hard for a guy to tell his wife/gf that he is curious about something that could lead to rejection by the other person.  That's why many guys stay forever in the closet.  

I wouldn't even consider the marriage proposal as evidence that he has changed.  It takes a lot to rebuild a broken trust.

Good luck, I wish you the best.  If you wish to chat further let me know.  


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