Expert: jw - 9/9/2007

Question
QUESTION: hello,i know my wife from 4 years i didn't see any signs of her bisexuality but later on she went to a shrink because she eats too lot.here she told her dr. that she has a recurrent dream about her sleeping with girls also she has fantasies about this but still i cant believe that she is a bisexual. we love each other so so bad is it possible that i didnt discover this before.please tell me what to do now that she is convinced that she is bi.i reaaly feel bad because of this.we agreed that she do an affair with another person we will get divorced. thank you

ANSWER: Forgive me, but I cannot answer your question without a little more information.

First, how long was she in therapy before she announced she was bisexual?

Second, has she stated that she WANTS to have an affair, or has she only said she's bi?

Third, you say you can't believe she's bi. Why not? Is it because she married a man, or something else?

Thanks, and I look forward to hearing from you soon. JOY

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: thank you for replying, she was in therapy for only 6 or 7 sessions along 40 days. she only said that she is bi and that she doesnt know if she would have an affair.finally i cant believe because as i told you i haven't see any signs of this matter not at all. i appretiate your answer.thanks again

Answer
Well, husbands don't always know what their wives are thinking. A bisexual woman can be hard to detect, so don't blame yourself.

I have a firm belief that bisexuality isn't an excuse for  infidelity. She says she "doesn't know" if she will have an affair. That would not sit well with me. Once you're married the days of bed hopping are over unless both parties agree that it isn't.

It's up to you whether you want to divorce or stay together and accept this new development. Bear in mind, if she is bisexual, her feelings are not likely to change.

Getting down to the heart of the matter, I don't think it's a good idea to wait around while she decides if she wants an affair or doesn't. What I always tell women is to make decisions for themselves instead of waiting around to find out what's going to happen based on what someone else does or doesn't do. The same is true here. Don't let her control what will happen. Don't blame her. Afterall, it is what it is.

Make your sincere and honest choice regarding the matter, then stick by it. Tell her you can't accept this and you are leaving, or tell her you can accept it and you are staying, but figure out what you want and do it. Keep her informed as to what you are going to do, as a courtesy.

Yours, Joy