Expert: ***ERICA*** - 1/12/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hi Erica,

My boyfriend and I (I guess I should have typed ex. Not in the mindset yet, I guess)of 7 years broke up roughly a month ago. I'm experiencing extreme downs (as to be expected) with the occasional fleeting moments of normality or ups. When it all started out I had a crush on him in highschool, but I would hardly call it love. He, however, was prone to falling in love, and worshiped me.. I really can word it no other way. He was very meek, outgoing but in an uncomfortable sort of way, with a sense of humor that left a lot to be desired.. Sort of a weakling if that makes sense, but with a heart of gold. He had potential to be a great man if only he could find self-esteem in himself, which was a task I sort of took on myself to help him with. After the first year, I was in love with him, he with me, and he asked me to marry him, and I said no. We were too young, and ill-prepared for the hardships of marriage. We have been through many ups and downs since then, and around year 4 we had a break up do to distance, and the strain our relationship put on my bond with my mother, who hates him due to a misunderstanding in the very beginning of the relationship. We got back together when we were no longer apart (We had both moved to a northern state before the break up and had to move back to my homestate for various reasons, and since I was to live with my Mother, we decided to break it off, later he moved back down here, and we got back together) and things were fine. Around year 6 we had an extremely rough patch, I was feeling ignored and would start fights because of it, etc, and we broke up for about a month, and got back together under the clause of him wanting it to be an open relationship, which hurt like hell to accept, but I loved him so dearly, I agreed. To the best of my knowledge, he never utilized that clause, and a few months after that, things were great again. As of the months before the break up they were just like they use to be in the beginning, I felt so loved, and I was able to spend so much time with him. He started doing the things he use to do before, calling just to say he loved me, kisses for no reason, going out of his way to spend time with me, etc. Then Thanksgiving came. My mother (whom I once again live with) was out of town, and I have no real family other then her, and we made plans to spend all the time she was gone together, have our own private Thanksgiving, etc, and he doesn't answer the phone when I call. The next day he apologizes and says he had to go to something with his family, and that we'll do it  that weekend. Saturday comes, I call, no answer. I call about 2 more times that day since I haven't heard a word from him, no answer. The next day I call and he is completely shut down for some reason. When I ask what happened, he says nothing. Eventually I practically pry it out of him that he had gone to a fair with some coworkers and didn't want to tell me for some reason, had left his phone at home, and didn't call to even let me know he was cancelling plans. Days go by, and he drops by for 2 hours, long enough for me to "please him" and watch a movie, and he leaves. Nothing for days. I call him and he picks up and I ask him if he's going to come visit (since he had been intending to spend the night over here most the time my Mother had been gone) and he says "Maybe Saturday, probably not." Well by this time, I've spent the 2 weeks my Mother has been gone alone, and waiting for him by the phone practically since he won't tell me what's going on, and this is all blindsiding me, and decide this is unhealthy, and call up some friends. They decide to come over and hang out and one of my friends from out of town is visiting, so they decide this calls for a group sleepover sort of thing, so I call him and cancel Saturday "maybe" plans, just incase. After this point weeks go by and I hear nothing from him, anytime I call he doesn't pick up, and the one time I get him and try and spend sometime he tells me he doesn't have time for me, (and this may sound spiteful, and it probably is) but I found out later he made time to go out with all his gal-pal coworkers multiple times those same weeks. The last time we had the rough patch of me feeling ignored, he has also started filling up his time with his coworkers at his other job, and not attempting to spend any time with me for weeks on end, sometimes months. About this time I get some bad news in my personal health, and try and reach him on the phone to speak to him about it, and still no answer. By this point I've left him numerous voicemails to call me back and yet nothing. Finally, this news not being something I want to talk about over the phone, I stop by his work to speak to him. He is very cold to me in person, to the point where I have to fight not to cry when I tell him my news, to which he -looks- visible shaken, and takes some time from his job to talk. I tell him that I am being tested for cancer, and ask him what in the world is going on, and he has no explanation for me. He then admits to have having thoughts that I had cheated on him (the sat. i cancelled plans), to which I kiss him and say no, but there is nothing on the other end of his kiss, which prompts me to ask him if he is happy. He responds he is comfortable, satisfied. After a long discussion, we break up. Since then I have been an emotional wreck, and 2 weeks ago left a voicemail asking for him to box the few items I have so I can pick up. He does not call me back so I send him a text asking if he got my message. He says he did and will get a box from work in a text back. Anytime I call since then to arrange picking my items up, he does not answer. He does not return my calls, and does not return my text messages. I don't want to bother him, I just want my few possessions and to some how find the strength to move on, but I love him so. It hurts knowing he didn't care to call to find out the test results, and that he didn't want to try and solve this problem. I'm tired of fighting to save this relationship for the both of us, and with so many good memories, etc, it seems so horrible that this is all going to die. I can't picture my life without him in it, and everything I do, every song I hear, movies I watch, etc, all seem to be linked to memories of him that hurt so bad now. It seems that after I finally let down my walls after the first year or so, that he's gotten bored with me, or that I was a hobby he felt he could pick up and put down. I know this is probably not the case, and if you were to hear his side it'd be completely different, but I've tried to communicate and tried to be understanding, and I'm just tired of being ignored. I'm tired of being treated like an object to be played with when convenient for him. I know I should move on, at least I think I should, but he was so attentive for about 5 of these 7 years that I find it hard to throw it all away, and I need your advice, badly. Should I suck up my pride after having walked away and try and piece this back together, presuming he even wants to? Should I move on with my life despite my feelings that he is the only one for me, and just put my trust in the fact there HAS to be someone else out there that will put up with me and want me.. I just don't know. Please help me... And I'm sorry about the length of this question.. really.

ANSWER: Dear Angel,

Breakups are never easy and the fact that you were with him for seven years adds to the difficulty.  But, the way you described your recent relationship with this man doesn't sound like much of a relationship anyway.  It sounds like he was keeping you around "just enough."  He obviously has his own life and agenda going on right now that doesn't include you.  You can't live in the past and remember all of the good times and what he use to do for you.  The fact is it isn't like he is having a bad day or a bad week he is just treating you horribly.  Rejection is one of the hardest things to deal with and we tend to make excuses for inexcusable behavior because we don't want to have to come to the realization that they just don't want to be with us period.  Then, in a desperate attempt to "hang on" to anything instead of nothing we find reasons to call, stop over, etc.  He obviously knows your number and chooses not to call you, he knows that you are calling him and chooses not to call you, he knows that you need him at a very difficult time and chooses not to be there for you, he knew how important Thanksgiving was to you and he chose not to be around.  I don't know how much more obvious this man could be in saying, "I don't want to be with you."  You shouldn't be a convenience for him - we have to teach people how to treat us.  If we allow them to treat us less than desirable they will.  If we demand to be treated with respect we get it.  You have a lot of emotions that you are dealing with... the memories, how the two of you were, the rejection, etc.  But, you can start getting over some of the feelings or atleast lessening them by constantly putting yourself in a situation that gives him any power. If you don't call then he doesn't get the power to reject you.  If you take a time out and really start living your life and creating one that involves things that make you feel good than he doesn't have power over your life.  It's about taking back the power.  Jumping into a new relationship is probably one of the easiest but one of the worst things you could do for you right now.  When the time is right - and it will be a while....... love like you have never been hurt......   but, only when you are ready and you will know when you are ready because you won't need someone in your life because you will feel complete just being with you.... Good Luck...

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you, I appreciate your honesty.. And yes, I am living in the past, I know it.. I just keep thinking it's my fault he changed, something I did, said, or didn't do enough of or say enough of.

The reason I am asking for a follow up is advice on what to do now.. I really do want at least 2-3 of the possessions he won't contact me about. I sent him an email, and again, no response.. yet I know he read it because I attached one of those flag receipts, that let you know. So that eliminates the excuse I had in my head that he's not getting them, or reading them, or maybe just flat out deleting them..

What do you advise I do to get my items? I mean, most of it I don't care about.. but I definately want a few things like my grandfather's ring.. How do you get something back from someone who won't even give you the time of day?

Answer
Dear Angel,

If you don't need the items immediately - I would give it a few weeks with no contact and see if he responds on his own.  Due to the numerous attempts you have made at making some type of contact with him he may just be blowing you off because he may be seeing this as a desperate attempt to communicate.  Please try to be strong and maintain your self respect and dignity by not contacting him at all - no phone calls, emails, text messages, stopping in, etc... nothing... Men tend to respond to no contact.  If after a couple/few weeks you still have not heard from him and want your items back simply write him an email or send him a certified letter giving him a couple of days or a week to make arrangements to return your things even if its at a mutually agreed upon location where you won't see each other or ask him to mail the things to you via UPS or Fed Ex.  If he is not willing to comply with this then you will need to seek legal recourse and you can state that in your letter after a few weeks.  But, please give both of you a cool off period for now unless you need the items immediately... Good Luck...