Expert: ***ERICA*** - 1/25/2008

Question
OK, first of all, I love your responses to these letters. I especially liked the one where you responded to "7 years down the tubes" on Jan 12. Why? because of course my situation is similar.  I, on the other hand, am older and wiser ((we are both in 30's) and knew ahead of time to do the whole "no contact!!no matter what!!" rule. I knew to keep my dignity and accept the break up with grace. (The break up was Nov. 9.) Everything was going great. I Started doing productive things,making a life without him, moving on. I was adjusting very well to the whole break up (after 8 years of dating him by the way). Got through Thanksgiving even. Then what? After one month of healing....he calls..........Completely took me off guard. Millions of emotions rushing back.....definitely stopped in my tracks. I ignored the call, but then he called again the next day.(The mistake is coming next)......I called him back. I agreed to see him. Of course...in my head, surely he was calling to say he couldn't live without me, he made a mistake..right? WRONG. He is still just as confused as ever, doesn't know what "he wants", still "loves me" but is going through "confusion" in all areas of his life, of course, "it isn't me" it is his "confusion with where he is at in his life in general" ....etc. etc. etc. and now I'm living a minute-by-minute emotional roller-coaster. Waiting for his conflict to resolve so that we can live happily ever after. I hate it. Where did all my strength go????? Now I am pathetic. Calling him and trying to "work things out". Trying to make him believe that we are supposed to be together. Now I am more conflicted than ever. I can't think straight. Can you set me straight?

Answer
Hi Kay... I was saying.. good job, good job, great, good job through the beginning of your email..... and then oops.. you got the dreaded - one month after the breakup call-  sooo typical, but we forget because there is a part of us that wants them to want us back and regret everything they did..... The only thing you should ever listen to from him is the knock on your door - the hour of apologizing for hurting you so terribly - the next hour of begging for you to be back in his life (if you even want to listen to all of this by then) - then, the next 2 hours of everything that he is going to do (engagement/marriage/counseling or a combo of all 3) to have you back in his life.... Anything short of the above.... HE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU!!!!!  You went through 8 years of your life with him...... do you want to do another 1, 3, 5, or 8 more without him completely and totally being into you and just you????  Doubtful.... So, we all get weak once in awhile - it is normal - but, get back doing what Kay wants to do and what makes Kay feel great...and definitely give someone else the ticket to the emotional roller coaster..... get off the ride (its broken)..... Good Luck...... I hope this helps.... Don't beat yourself up for having a weak moment... just hit the ignore and delete buttons....