Expert: ***ERICA*** - 1/16/2008

Question
I was recently broken up with by the girl that I have considered for years as my true love.  I met her in grad school while I was in another relationship that was quickly going south.  She was in a relationship that she had been in for 6 years that wasn't exactly what she wanted either. For 2 years I secretly loved her dearly and finally confessed to her.  She was baffled, but understanding and after about 6 months she got the courage she had been lacking to end her not so great relationship.  We had started talking before she ever broke up with her ex, but never did anything to constitute cheating or anything of the sort.  We definitely hit the ground running and we started moving really fast.  We had both agreed that we would take it slow, but our emotions and love for each other took over and in a matter of 6 months, we were practically living together. I was at her apartment all the time, I loved it, I enjoyed doing things with her that I never considered enjoyable.  I have been in many long term relationships in the past where I thought I loved someone, but this is the first woman I've ever met where I can honestly say I love her without any doubt.  After about 6 months though, I started to notice that the excitement and spice was weening from our relationship, and I mentioned it to her.  She stated that she noticed it too, and we agreed that we should slow down, it was best for our relationship.  I would see her 3 or 4 times a week instead of everyday.  School let out for a week for Thanksgiving and I didn't see her that whole week.  We went back to school for two weeks before school let out again for Christmas (4 weeks).  I saw her 3 times in the first 2 weeks and then on Jan 1, she tells me that it is too stressful to be together and that she just wants to be friends.  She says she still has feelings for me, but that everything went to fast, and the slowing down idea just wasn't working.  She told me that I was perfect to her, and that I've done nothing wrong.  I don't know what to do, I have to see her in class everyday, it breaks my heart.  I can't sleep, can't eat, I've been nauseous to the point of vomiting, I can't stop crying, and I HATE to cry.  I want my life back, I've contemplated the worst of thoughts.  I literally dream the most vivid dreams about her, and then am angry when I wake up, only to realize that none of it happened and we're not together.  I asked her if there was any way that she sees us getting back together after she gets this "time" she needs, and she explains that she doesn't want to say "yes" because she can't tell the future, and it isn't fair to me.  I don't know what to do??? I treated this woman like no other, I can't imagine ever treating another any better.  I'm so lost without her, every feeling I have sounds so cliche,  but it's true. I need some sort of insight, some way to deal with this.  I've been trying to stay busy, nonstop, working out, hanging out with friends, but none of it seems to help.  Every part of my life was better when she was in it, now everything seems like it is lacking something.  I just don't understand why there isn't a better solution other than us just being friends.  Any help or useful advice is greatly appreciated.

Answer
Hi John,

When you love someone so unconditionally and unselfishly - and the relationship doesn't work out - it hurts to the core of your being.  Your whole world is shaken upside down.  I don't know what the answer is as to why the two of you broke up, but you mention that "the excitement and spice" were weaning from the relationship.  That is a normal occurance in a relationship especially when you spend a lot of time together.  You start to develop a comfort zone in your relationship.  That isn't necessarily a bad thing.  But, it is a red flag that you were needing additional stimuli and doing things seperate outside of your relationship was important.  A healthy relationship evolves when two people have their own lives and then they come together as one.  
In order to get over this you need to develop a structured daily routine to get you started.  You must eat, sleep, shower, and go to school.  It's great that you are staying busy and not obsessing over the situation.  What makes it even more difficult is that you have to see her on a daily basis.  That slows down the healing process.  I am a firm believer that when you break up with someone or are broken up with - you need a complete break in order to start the healing process and obviously you can't do that.  
I would recommend that you stay busy with school, your friends, and working out.  Start the daily routine of eating, showering, sleeping, and going to school.  It is okay to cry - that is normal... As much as it hurts and I know that it does - isn't it great to know that you can love someone that much?  My favorite saying is, "love like you have never been hurt."  The sad truth and this is very cliche'.... the only thing that is going to help you get over this is time.  Nothing else will - anything else is just a bandaid on a very deep wound.  And time passes so slowly while we are dealing with a painful situation. But, you will notice in a couple of weeks that the gut wrenching pain starts to diminish and even though you miss her terribly... it lessens.... and then after a month or two you start to feel alive again.  The fact that she doesn't know if the two of you will get back together is honest and it wouldn't be fair to you.  Right now you have to look and deal with the situation as is.  A breakup is a breakup.  When we throw in the "what if's, maybe's, if only, etc" it delays the healing process.
There are several reasons as to why it didn't work out right now.  She went from a six year relationship right into another one with you without giving herself a chance to grieve the ending of the first - and rediscovering herself.  She may have no idea who she is right now and needs some time to just figure it out.  The worst thing that someone can do after a failed relationship is to jump right into another (although many people do this). Everyone needs a chance to learn about themselves, what they want, what they like, what they dislike, and experience a whole bunch of things.  So, I would definitely give her the time she needs and if you can - try to keep the contact to as little as possible.  Figure out what it is that you want as well.  Spend time with friends - your at a great point in your life where you should be creating great memories..... I know how hard it is, but you will get through this.... it just takes a long time before you get to where you want to be.  I hope this helps and good luck...