Expert: ***ERICA*** - 1/26/2008

Question
I am a happy, satisfied married woman age 25. My husband and I have been married for 3 years and we have a perfect daughter who is 2.
Now for the depressing part. I had a first love like most at 15. We "went out" for a whole 6 months. After that I got prettier and dated a lot until I met someone special at 17 and we went out for 3 years.I cheated on him through most of the relationship because I felt like I was in control and couldn't get hurt like I did when I was 15. I broke up with him because I wanted to get married and he wasn't ready. I met my husband after that and within 14 months we were engaged, married and pregnant.
The thing is my first love has never left my memory. I mean I dream about him almost every night. We have had no contact for 4 years now. And all that was was a kiss on my 21st birthday. He went into the Navy after high school and we never saw each other. He is married with 2 kids now. I just don't understand why he is still embedded in my brain. It doesn't get any better the older I get. I don't know if he even thinks about me anymore. I just don't understand why after 10 years and 30 boyfriends later he is the only one I still think about. How can I erase him from my mind? I don't get it. Someone please help me. I feel like I am the only one and I am crazy and need therapy. What do you think the problem is?

Answer
Dear Shelley,

Guess what?? You are not crazy!!  It is so normal for many people to fantasize about their "first love"... Some of it could be due to the fact that you had some major changes ina short period of time - engagement, marriage, and pregnant within a 14 month period.  You were busy - planning your wedding - getting ready for the birth of your daughter and then having your daughter.... alot of adjustments and a lot of things that kept you busy for a long period of time.  Then, when things start to settle in, quiet down, and learn a routine - you start to face the reality of the situation(s).  Thus, it is normal to think about what your life could have been like had you done this or had you done that or had you been with this one or had you been with that one.  The comfort is there with your "first" love because you were 15 and then a special moment when you were 21.  You say that your happy right now so it isn't like you want to divorce your husband or something drastic as such, but your mind wonders and you fantasize.... that's fine as long as you don't act on it.  If these fantasies start interfering with your marriage then I would talk to a professional.  From reading your email I can't help but think you are just thinking about a time in your life when things were easy and young.  If you play the whole scenario out ... you really don't know what this man is like now..... he could be nothing that you want in someone, you could have very few similar interests, and/or have no physical attraction.  I am chalking it up to the safety and security of a different time in your life.... I hope this helps, but I do know that a lot of people fantasize about their first love interest.... for a variety of reasons and as long as they aren't acted upon or interfering with your current situation..... no harm - no foul....