Expert: ***ERICA*** - 1/2/2008

Question
I have been with my high school sweetheart for 10 years. We have a 5 year old son together. Shortly after he was born we had some problems and I went to her parents house with flowers to try and make things right. I found her there with another guy sitting on the couch with her in his arms. I flipped out and tried to get the guy to come outside with me and talk - which he wouldn't. I ended up taking my son and leaving. She came back and cried and wanted to be with me and I wanted what was best for our son. Every year there is something else. She went to NY and I found pictures of her and some guy with her at a club and she was giving him a kiss. My problem today is: she started a new job in August of this year. This is her first real job. She used to sleep until 12pm and do nothing. She doesn't cook or clean or help with any of the bills. I support us completely. Three months into the new job I co-sign for a new car for her. One month later (Nov. 07) I find a text message from her to some guy that says, "Maybe we should have makeup sex". She swears that she did not do anything with this guy and that it was the wrong thing to say. However, there is another guy (all at her work) and she has been seeing him. Things were getting very strange when she would not come home at night and turn her phone off. This made me go nuts. Now everything has come to the light and just the other day I checked her voicemail and heard some guy leaving messages, "Hey baby... Honey... I'll see you at work... Don't be mad at me...I love you." I confronted her with this and flipped out again. When I say flipped out: I punched a whole in the wall. I've broken all of my doors in my house. I've destroyed things. I care for this girl very much and am very hurt. Now her brother's girlfriend, who is her boss, told me that she has been seeing this guy at work, who is getting a divorce. The end of the story is that she has been going to hotels with  him to have sex and is going to move in with him. Before I knew that they had been having sex, I pleaded with her and talked to her from my heart and told her how I felt about her and what I wanted and just wanted to raise our son together. I told her that I wanted to make her happy.(She had been saying that she was staying at a friend's house or at her dad's when she did not come home). My son lives at home, as we all have for many years. This just started after I got her the new car. He has been very sad when mom does not come home at night and cries and wonders why mommy doesn't want to be with him. She says that she does not want to be with me anymore. As soon as she told me two days ago that they had been having sex and she was going to move in with him I was crushed and very depressed. I have not been sleeping or eating. I have images in my head of them and it kills me. Yesterday I bagged up all of her things and wanted her out. I feel as though I want nothing to do with her. I explained that I will have the boy M-F and she can have him on the weekends. My 5 year old son informed me yesterday that he has already met this new guy, Mario. I am very hurt beyond words. I told her that she is gone. I told her that I would be canceling her insurance that I pay for and her phone and wanted my address off of her license. To this she responded with, "I'll see you in court" and wanted to take the boy yesterday. I do not want to go that route. I take care of him 100% as she leaves for work at 7am. He starts kindergarten at 11:30am and I volunteer there every other week. I pay all the bills. So last night she calls and says that she promised my son that she would sleep with him last night in his new bunk bed that I set up for him after I removed her bed from his room and placed it in the garage and told her to come get her stuff or I would sell it or give to Goodwill. So last night she calls and wants to come over here to sleep with him because she PROMISED him. She has promised many times that she would be home and has not done that. Please keep in mind that this has all been going on for a little over 2 months. So I did not want her to come over last night because if we are going to move on lets do it, not go backwards. My son and I are having a hard time because we both love her. This morning she went to leave at 7am to go to work and the boy starts crying. It breaks my heart because all we both want is for mommy and daddy to be together and live in the same home together as a family. Supposedly, she says that she loves this new guy and that he loves her. I don't know what to do. I want her here but I cannot let her back after she has been having sex with this guy. But I do want our family together and I want to be the one she loves and I want to love her. I am very messed up in the head. I tried to get over her over New Years and slept through it getting 16 hours of sleep rather than two, like I had been getting since this has been happening. When she did not come home at night I would not be able to sleep because I didn't know what she was doing...is she cheating, is she dead, is she tied up in someone's basement, just having crazy thoughts. So she came here last night and wants to be my friend, for the boy. I still have feelings for her and find her very attractive and think about all the good times that we have had throughout the years. It is really affecting my son. When he is with me, I'm the best and mom is no good. When he comes back from being with her family, I'm the bad guy and it takes 30-45 minutes to get him back to normal. I told her last night that this is what she wanted and the she chose her side. She abandoned her family and that she is a cheap whore and that she is disgusting. But I still love her and want to be with her in addition to having our family together. What should I do. Please give me your input and what I should do. If she wants to come back in the future, should I let her back for the good of our family or should I stick to my guns and let her go for good. Thanks.

Answer
Dear Mark,

I don't believe you got my original answer and this is such an important situation that I am going to retype my answer.

I am so sorry that you are going through this very difficult and sensitive situation.  You cannot control what you ex is doing, but you can regain control of your life.  You need to be able to provide your child with a loving and healthy environment.  I don't ever condone violence, but I do understand what its like to make bad choices when we are hurting and watching someone that we love so much reject us.  There are a few questions that you need to ask yourself.... is this the woman who you can trust with your fears, dreams, desires, goals, and heart?  Is this a woman whom possesses all of the qualities that you have ever wanted in someone?  Is this the woman that you know will be there for you through everything and anything and you never have to worry because life is difficult enough as it is?  I think you know the answers to these questions.  The hardest thing in a situation like this is to make a final decision whatever it may be.  But, give yourself the power back and make your own decision.  If you want to wait it out and live your life the way that you have been living it - then you need to accept the situation exactly the way that it is.  If you don't like how this situation makes you feel and you are sick and tired of being sick and tired than you are the only one who can change it.  You have to be strong enough to follow through on whatever decision it is that you make.  A general rule of thumb that I follow is this... once the respect is lost in a relationship - its over... compound that with continuous disrespect.... disasterous..... You have a little one that you are taking amazing care of and write about it continuously in your email.... put the focus on you and your child - time will heal this wound.  It is one of the most painful things that you will probably ever go through. But, here is the good news... once you make a decision and get through it - you never have to go through it again... you don't ever have to allow someone that power over you again.  You will have regained your own power.  Good Luck and my thoughts are with you... Please keep me updated.... I am so sorry