Expert: ***ERICA*** - 1/29/2008

Question
I was with a girl for about 2.5 years.  She is now 20 and I am 23.  I am about to finish college and she just started seriously going to school (same school).  I started dating her when she was 18, fresh out of high school, she was going to a community college and living at home.  About 6 months ago, she moved out and started living on her own (with roommates) and I pushed her to go to a bigger school and pursue a higher degree.  Before we moved out, she was very clingy (which i actually loved) and would spend every waking moment with.  About 2 weeks ago, she tells me that she needs to "find herself" and she breaks up with me.  Before we broke up, she would ask me atleast once a week for an engagement ring...I gave her a promise ring for Christmas telling her, that we would be married when I graduated (which is soon).  She was the kindest, sweetest person I have ever been with and she would have never cheated on me (she made it very clear how she thought about cheating).  I admit, I was clear I wasn't ok with her doing some things with her single friends before we broke up and she was the same way.  Now, she spends alot of time upstairs of her apartment complex with friends (mostly guys).  I mean, everyday she is up there.  I trust her and she tells me all the time, she is still in love with me, but she needs to be single right now to find out who she is.  My question is, what is she really going through? I am having a hard time understanding.  She tells me she doesn't want to lose me because I am her best friend, but when I ask her to hang out, she says she never has time.  But when we talk, she is always hanging out with someone else.  Does she really not want to see me? Is she just lieing to me by telling me she never has time?  I told her recently, that I could not just be her friend, I would always want more, and she was upset and kissed me, then we went our separate ways.  Did I do the right thing?  She is very cold now, not like herself, she even stopped being friends with a mutual friend of ours.  Our friend took her in when she had no where to go (other than to me).  She was best friends with her and then their relationship stopped when we broke up.  She is a different person and will not listen to reason.  I don't know what else to do... Should I give up on her and merely move on?  Its almost like she woke up one day and she realized she was missing out on living the "college life", but everyone knows that this wont bring but temporary happiness.  She told me the other night (when i told her i couldn't be just her friend), that she didn't want me to shut her out incase she realized she wanted me back.  What should I do?  I am having such a hard time with this, because no one and i mean NO ONE saw this coming, not even me.

p.s. - she still wears the ring i gave her and still has pictures of us up all over her room.

Answer
Dear Matt,

One of the sentences in your email hits hard and you really need to think about what she said.... that she didn't shut you out in case she realized that she wanted you back.  So, she wants you to put your life and feelings on hold until she decides whether or not she wants to be with you.  How considerate.  I put things in perspective and try to keep them as simple as possible.  A break up is just that a break up.  I don't believe in being friends right after a break up because there is still atleast one party with strong feelings that complicates everything.  Therefore, I believe that you need a certain amount of time away from each other to digest everything that has happened and to allow each other the ability to start your own lives.  If you can be friends later down the road - great.... typically that doesn't happen, but there are instances when it does.  Right now you need to take care of you - get a routine together for yourself - and live each day second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour - just to get through the pain.  But, you keep adding to your pain by listening and reaching out to her.  There is a saying that is very true....   If you love something - set it free - if it comes back to you - it was meant to be.  This is very true..... Good Luck and I hope this helps.