Expert: ***ERICA*** - 1/28/2008

Question
My boyfriend of a year is going through a really down time in his life.  Our relationship was getting serious and it made him realize that he hasn't dealt with his dad's sudden death (two years ago) and therefore is having difficulty dealing with expressing his feelings and being committed to someone.  He has finally realized that he needs help, and is seeing a counselor type person, and is also on anti-depression medication.  He told me he needs to take this journey alone, because he doesn't want to drag me through the emotional roller coaster.  He says he needs to keep seeing this guy in order to learn how to accept what's happened to him in his life, and learn how to express his feelings and maintain a healthy relationship.  In the meantime, he wants to be "friends."  I know he loves me, and there's no one else, he just needs to have this time.  My question is, what should my role be now?  He says he "needs me in his life."  I'm one of the only people who knows what he's going through.  But being there as a friend is a huge risk for me...I mean, if it means he just needs to get through this and then we can be together again I can be his friend, but if I help him get through this and then he decides it's still not going to work, I'll be crushed.  What do you think?  Should I stick by him and try to help him or "cut him off" so to speak, and walk away from this?  I don't want to give up on him, and I believe in our relationship...It was amazing and I don't want to lose it!  (I'm 28 and have had 3 very serious relationships that haven't worked out, so I know what we have and how good it really is.)  What should I do???

Answer
Dear Jessy,
Unfortunately..... there is no guarantee that you guys are going to get back together and work this out..... But, with any relationship there is never a guarantee as much as we want one.  If you want to be there for him... you need to do so unconditionally... meaning... you need to put it in your mind on how you would act/treat/be with him as if the two of you are never getting back together, but rather that this is an individual whom you cared/care deeply for and want to see the best for him even if its not with you.  That is extremely difficult.... extremely.... A less painful approach (but, not much less) would be to tell him that you love him and will be his biggest cheerleader from a distance and that if and when he has reached a point on his journey where he may want you to be a part of his life than to let you know.  Maybe you will be there - maybe you wont... that is up to you.  But, in the meantime - I would look at this as a breakup - no matter what the reasoning is - he desperately needs time for himself (especially because he is getting help for his issues)... you need to respect his time and give him all of the space in the world so that he can never be resentful and think that you tried to deter him from helping himself.... He has a painful and long journey ahead of him.... there isn't any guarantees.... you need to do what is best for you as well........ As much as he may love you.... he didn't love himself for a long time and as painful as this may be to understand or accept.... he is finally caring enough about himself to do something with all of his pain.... I wish you the very very best....