Expert: ***ERICA*** - 1/30/2008

Question
Hello,
I am 22. I met my girlfriend in school. When we met she was engaged to another guy. At that time, we were close friends and I knew she was off limits. Being with her was not EVER a thought that crossed my mind. After about one year of being friends, we became close and talked about being with each other. She was still engaged. As we were getting closer, her relationship with her fiance was drastically splitting apart (which was why we reasoned that our developing relationship was not all bad). As it turned out, her fiance hit her once (once too many) and slowly her family found out. When word got back to her parents, they supported her and her relationship with her fiance ended.
During this whole time, I was grateful that we could be together. I know that I am a caring, wholesome, compassionate, and devoted person. When she told me that he hit her I didn't know how to react. My first reaction was relief. As an indirect result of her being terribly mistreated, I could NOW show her how she should REALLY be loved and cared for in a relationship.
This came across terribly to her. What she wanted was me to say was, "F*** You ex fiance! How dare you lay a finger on the person I love." Instead, i was terrified. I felt as though the ex would think that I caused the whole thing. I was in a very awkward position. She expected me to take ownership of her, but it seemed to me that the ownership was less mine than his at that point.
At the beginning of our relationship, I knew where she was coming from. She was coming from a terrible relationship (mind you she had one or two not so great ones before this as well). As a result, she was up front with me. She said, I am coming from this situation and I need time so if you want to be with me you need to have PATIENCE. She projected her past negative relationships on me. I understood the best I could and made changes to show her how I felt, in the very specific ways she needed me to show her. This is in November of 2005.
So let’s fast forward. We dated for 6 months and then moved into a five bedroom place with three other people. We each had our own rooms. We had our arguments here and there but nothing too extraordinary. We were primarily a very happy couple. About 2 years into our relationship, I was able to purchase my first apartment (by myself, she has nothing to do with the ownership. She pays me $600 “rent” a month).  We currently live together in a 450 sq. foot studio and we make it work.
Throughout the relationship, I have been the epitome of patience. It is how my parents raised me. I am an optimist, patient, and forgiving (but of course I have my flaws). She is a pessimist and extremely stubborn. (She is also extremely compassionate, loveable, kind and personable).  But we know these things about each other and we talk about them…and they have gotten marginally better. She is creative, fun, and my family loves her. (I am blessed to have a loving family. Their input is important to me yet not definitive).
But I’m getting towards the end. I have been running out of patience. She is still extremely stubborn. She feels that love should be HARD and I feel that real love is EASY (er).  When I ask her to grow with me to make changes and be better for each other she tells me that if I love her, I wouldn’t ask her to change (the changes I’m asking for are for her to not be as stubborn….) Here though, is the dilemma. I don’t know if I have the patience anymore but I can’t break up with her yet. I care about her and want her to learn how to forgive and learn how to be flexible. We talked about her going to speak to a therapist, and I see it happening within a year. She needs to let go of her past and learn how to grow from it instead of just retaining the anger and pain. But I can’t help her with that. I wasn’t there in the beginning like she wanted me to be, and she has never forgotten or tried to forgive me for it. I feel that if I were to break up with her now, she would be in the same place she was over two years ago and she would only find the negative in the relationship. She would still project other ex boyfriends mistreatments on me.  I care about her too much for that. Also, we live together. We have spent thousands and thousands of dollars together to make our apartment a beautiful home. If I broke up with her it would seem like I was dragging her along. Today we just talked about what bedding we’re going to buy. I love her but I don’t know if she’s everything. She is caring, loves kids, puts family first, is compassionate…. She is a lot of wonderful things…
I have been talking to friends and family about their relationships and I know that every relationship is hard and has its problems. But stubbornness and pessimism are hard things for me to accept in my life, especially when I have been trying to grow past that. For a while, I thought that for me to get the positives of my girlfriend, I needed to accept the negatives. But, today I was reminded that I don’t. I vividly remembered a girl that I had briefly dated (long story) but for a while after that was a great friend. She was caring, loving, compassionate (my family would also adore her) and yet she was an idealist like me and not stubborn. I know that I haven’t been in a two year relationship with that girl, and the grass is always greener… But what I do know is that my current girlfriend is now, pretty much exactly as she was in the beginning. She is still stubborn and still pessimistic.
This is so hard for me. I don’t know what to do. I think I know what’s best for me in the long run, but I care about her a lot and don’t want her to take steps back. I want her to move on and take something positive from us. I don’t want to hurt her and I don’t want her to feel like she wasted the past two years of her life. I am patient. I want to do this (if things don’t dramatically improve) eventually but I don’t know when is right. I can wait for her to learn to take care of herself because I love her. Please help me and give me advice. I am very torn. I am extremely grateful for your help.
Sincerely,
Boyfriend


Answer
Hi Jason,
Wow... alot of stuff going on !!  I think that you are taking on way too much responsibility for how your girlfriend feels/felt/and will feel in the future.  It is obvious in your email that you have taken steps to grow as a person by securing a foundation (e.g. your house) for your future.  You can't stay in a relationship that you feel you may have outgrown because of guilt.... guilt turns into resentment which then turns into negativity and all of those yucky feelings that go with it.  If you are still in love with your girlfriend... I would take a stand and tell her that she needs to go and see a therapist to work on herself and her issues or you want out - plain and simple.  That you are willing to give it a try if she is willing to help herself.  If, she refuses - than I would cut my losses and move on for yourself and your well being.  I wouldn't jump into any other situation because we need time to grieve a relationship even when we are the one to end it.  I know that this is difficult for you because your email sounds like you are a straight up man who doesn't like to "quit" anything before you have exhausted all of your options.  However, this is her "stuff" and she needs to see a therapist to deal with her "stuff."  I wish you the best of luck and I hope this helped...