Expert: ***ERICA*** - 1/18/2008

Question
QUESTION: Ok, i know that there's probally alot of people doing alot of whining here about breaking up, and i guess i just had to ask mine.
Now, i have one of those EXTREMLY complicated relationship stories. it starts back to when i was with my way back when ex, who is the mother of my child. i met this chick at work, we'll call her A, and we started hanging out. She came over and met my other ex, we'll call her C. now, the two of them became friends, and at the time, I kinda wanted to leave C and get with A, but i had a kid with her and all that so i stayed with C. at the time, A was into drugs, and C started doing drugs with A. Me and C broke up, and i hated A for about 2 years, till i saw her when i was walking down the street one day. she was going to the gym and quit the drugs, had her own place, looked like she had her shit together. so me and A started hanging out, and we started talking about all that past stuff, and i found out A had like me to.. so im sure you can guess where that led to. so me and A were hanging out alot, and decided to get together. by the way, i had my son, and was raising him alone, while C was in drug rehab for all the drugs she did with A.
we were together up untill tuesday.
i fell in love with the person i never thought i would. my son loved her..
over the past few months though, i had started pushing her to do stuff with her life.. trying to find out what she wanted to do with her life, and ways i could help her. over the course of out relationship, i changed alot, and bettered myself alot.. went back to school, quit drugs, go to the gym, got a my licence and a vehicle.. alot of stuff... and i kind of started to get harsh on her over the last couple of months. i was trying to push her to do soemthing more with her life, because i knew she could, but she took it as me saying i was better than her, and as our fights escalated, i started saying she would go no where in her life. she told me on a few occasions that this really hurt her, but i didnt stop doing it. this ultimatly led to a mega fight that ended up with her leaving.
now, after all that, i guess my question would be, when you have that kind of a history with someone, and you tried so fucking hard to help them in there life.. how do you let that go? its the hardest thing in the world for me to let people go... how do i accept this?

ANSWER: Hi Ryan... You don't have a choice but to accept it and learn from it.  Whether or not she comes back (we don't know), but before and if she does you need to focus on you and see how you contributed to the fall of the relationship.  From what you state in the email it sounds like you spent a lot of time trying to push her to be somebody she isn't or wasn't ready to be.  You started to like her again because she had already bettered herself.  You, then chose to better yourself which is a great thing.  People come in your life for one of three meanings:  a lesson, a reason, or a journey.  Sometimes we want someone to be our journey, but they end up being a lesson or a reason.  Cherish the good that came from the relationship and you said you really started to change your life for the better.... go with that..... stay focused on you and your son and don't go down an unhealthy path even if it is a lot easier because the pain your feeling .... hurts really really bad and nothing but time and taking care of yourself will ease it.  Get into a daily routine of doing good things for yourself and your son.  Be proud of what you have accomplished and if your relationship is meant to be - it will be.  You can't help anyone in life unless they want your help and you can't change anyone to meet your specifications.... you have to accept them for who they are or they just aren't meant for you....... Good Luck and I hope this helped.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: ok, lets complicate this situation anymore. so its only been a couple of days since we broke up. now, i like to say i know myself pretty well. i am usually unsurprised by how i act in a situation.. so to me this came as no shock. as soon as i lose something in my life that i love, i realize how much it meant to me. you had said in the previous awnser, that i needed to look at what i did wrong in the relationship. well, im way ahead of you there. i do that naturally. and when i start doing it, i feel the major urge to share it with the person. so i started to to Alana agian today, just on facebook and some texting (she facebooked me first ;P) and she said she wanted to come get some of her stuff, and didnt want to talk about the relationship.. well, i responded by talking about he relationship, and she surprisingly started talking back about it. she said that since she's left, she's not any happier. other stuff like.. she's not sure if she wants to be with me, the stuff you said hurts me still.. stuff like that. which is better than a fuck off. she wants space. now, i am the worst person in teh world at giving space when theres a fight. i want to hit it head on and deal with it and get back to living. oddly enoguh i realize now that maybe if i just let her calm donw for 5 minutes, our fights would have lasted 1/10 as long. so im trying to give her space and not bug her to much. she said (maybe) we'll talk tomorrow. do i think i have a chance? yeah i do. i get those stupid conversatins running in my head.. im great at epic speechs, and usually follow up on them. so now here's my multi-part question
a)should i just say fuck it? move on? i know me, and the HARDEST thing in the world for me is to leave someone - to truely say goodbye and that be the end of it. I rarely leave, and i dont think this neccasaryly is a bad thing.. i am always there for people when they need me. and i dont knwo if i want to be different than that, but any suggestions for letting go?
b)my son. he's been hurt by this. i've told him A is moving out and not gonna be with us anymore. how would i telll him 3 days later she coming back if we did get back together? how do i help him if she doesnt?
c) how do quit being such a bitch? as soon as someone calls me im there for them agian, telling them how much i love and miss them and i think i come off as desperate and needy. i know this kinda links to the having a hard time letting go from question a, actually when i think about it, it's alot like question a. i guess id rephrase the question as.. how do i still be the nice guy who tells her i love her and ill always be there for her, but still have a backbone?
sorry to put this on whoever picks it up. i do want you to know although ive never used this before, i do appreciate that thres people like you out there who try and help people they dont even know. i thought alot about what was said in my awser today.. you gave me some good thoughts.. thanks
kindest regards,
Ryan

Answer
Hi Ryan,
Making amends to someone after you figure out that you did them wrong is fine, but after some time has passed.  What, in my opinion, you are trying to do is "save" something by telling someone what you did wrong.  The desire to do that is normal.  When someone leaves us - it hurts terribly.... and we try to do anything we can to save it at that moment (whether it's good or bad for us) noone like rejection... noone.  Whether you move on or not is up to you, but I have a feeling you won't be.  A lot of people that I know have a very hard time saying, "Goodbye" - I try to tell them that if they really want to leave a situation because they know it's not what they want to just say, "Good Luck" and wish them the best.  It is a bad thing that you can't leave a situation IF the situation is bad for you.  When you are in a relationship and you are able to work things out and don't run from the situation that is a great quality, but staying in something that isn't working is unhealthy.  You seem to want to take care of people, change them, and better their situations.  That is great, but TAKE CARE OF YOU...  I am sure that your son is hurt, but after you told him what happened - the last thing I would do is move her back in 3 days after a break up when your relationship isn't on solid ground.  Even if you guys decide to work at this.... please don't move back in together for awhile - especially for your son's sake.  As for question "c" you aren't feeling good about you so you take the focus off of you and try to put it on everyone else.  Here is the simnplest answer I can give you to that.... take some time for you... you are very insightful and I think if you take some time for you.... you will not accept unacceptable behavior - you will realize that 2 people can have seperate lives and come together in a relationship - you won't feel the NEED to take care of someone because you will take care of yourself..... thus, you will develop self esteem..... We are here to help others because believe it or not .... most of the experts have been there over and over again .... and through a lot of self work we are now able to help others... It is our pleasure.... Good Luck..