Expert: ***ERICA*** - 1/23/2008

Question
QUESTION: my boyfriend broke up with me a while ago. i thought i was ok with it for awhile. we were still good friends and i still talked to him. when we were dating i always told him my problems and he always helped a lot, boyfriend or not. now when i tell him my problems, he seems like he doesn't really care anymore. he told me that i should tell them to him and he would help me even though we aren't dating. i haven't gotten much help for my problems anymore because i just stopped bothering. now it feels like they are really starting to weigh down, and it is making me miss him and want him back even more, but i know its not going to happen. i am feeling really sad lately and my friends are all concerned. what should i do?

ANSWER: Hi Eliza,
I would suggest that you form a great support group with your friends.  I believe that you feel worse when you reach out to your ex and he doesn't "respond" the way that you would hope that he would.  Him being there for you when you would have problems was your "tie" to him and now the "tie" is loosening and it is making you feel worse.  I am a firm believer that ex's should stay ex's for a long time and there needs to be a good amount of time that passes before you can really be friends.  Typically, that occurs when neither one of you has any desire to be with the other.  This takes quite awhile.  If you don't find the advice to your problems from your friends and/or family maybe a counselor or professional would be another route to take.  I don't know what your problems are, but if you are feeling bad over the breakup - the only thing that can make you feel better is to distance yourself and concentrate on you, the things that you enjoy doing, finding out exactly what you enjoy doing, and living a great life.  I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck.  It is a difficult road, but it does get easier as long as you take care of you.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: i feel bad that i still like him and that i'm not over him yet. i just keep on remembering the things that we did together and how much fun i had talking to him when we were dating and before we were dating. i told him my problems or just what was on my mind before we dated. that's probably what made me like him more in the first place. is it still bad to like to talk to him as a friend? because i like telling all of my jokes to my guy friends, and he is one of them.

Answer
You don't need to feel bad that you still have feelings for him... that is normal... but, I don't think it is a great idea to talk to him right now or in the near future because you aren't getting the response that you want which is putting you into a funk..... hang out with your other friends and make new friends.... that is the way to get through it.... there is no easy answer to make those feelings go away, but by continuing to reach out to him and getting rejected is going to keep you down.... and it will feel worse and worse each time you allow him to do it...