Expert: ***ERICA*** - 1/14/2008

Question
I was misled to believe that our relationship was very meaningful I believe it was. I have never trusted anyone as much as her. We merged business into our relationship and ended up with some serious loss and debt hence; our relationship became problematic. and challenging.  
We were together 4 years and although we had some difficulties the last year and seem to be fighting quite a bit I was always reminded that my partner was "in this" with me and wanted nothing more than for us to get through the hard times.
In retrospect she had to have moved on while we "were in it" as she began dating another woman as soon as I found a betraying letter on her computer. HOW CAN A PERSON MOVE ON THIS FAST YET, CLAIM SHE LOVES ME DEEPLY? I am devasted by her actions. She has emotionally removed herself to the point of clinical behavior.. Not much remorse and no loss has been shown ? How can this be and much less capable of moving this new GF into her home within 12 weeks of dating. She has deviated me to say the least. They have now been together for 10 months.
My girlfriend and I were out having a drink with a third friend. Another woman(BT) sent a drink over to our table specifically sending it to my girlfried. I am a confidant and very attractive woman and never thought twice about this gesture. The next morning I found a very disturbing e-mail that my girlfriend had sent this woman. Apparently my GF located her through a dating on line service. The letter was very disturbing as my GF belittled our relationship. Her letter sounded very clinical if not some what sociopath  as it was peppered with lies and seduction. Her attempts were drastic and almost addictive. I am blown away by her actions!!!! She pretended to be single and in the 'best emotional place' in her life' which KILLED me to read... It was very painful to absorb.
This woman(BT) is not at all attractive and my ex's behavior is completely out of character. BT is not only less than average but her personality lacks as well. I have met her and find her very manipulating,calculating and emotionally challenged. Our friends are blown away by her behavior and choice of woman.
My X GF is always the 'leaver' in the relationship. She has had a great deal of abandonemnt issues regarding the dynamics of her early child hood. Her mother was not emotionally available and both her parents are more comfortable with sweeping such behavior under the rug.She was also raped by her brother in law's brother when she was 16. Her parents again did nothing to protect her as they did nothing to remove this rapist from society. My X GF thought it was best not to do anything as she feared her sister would suffer the consequences. Her sisters husband was severely emotionally abusive.
I had told her that I was unhappy and that she needed to engage,communicate more and help me/us get through this as she was pretty shut down.
I love my X GF deeply and unconditionally and I am also very protective of her yet, I will not allow her to sweep what she has done to me and us under the infamous family rug. We are in contact(mostly by e-m) yet, it is very painful for me. I sold my condo and moved 2000 miles away but very much in pain. My X GF and I had lived less than a 1/2 mile away from each other. Her GF, BT pushed their relationship in my face and my GF pretty much allowed her to do it hence; my moving.I couldn't take it.
Is my x suffering from 'attachment disorder'. Is this a  safe and rebound relationship?
There was a time she kept me hanging on and I told her I could not be in this place with her IF BT was involved. They are together 10 months later...
I am spiritual,grounded,intellegent and a attractive woman...what am I dealing with, here? I DON"T GET ANY OF IT...It is very difficult to let go of yet, I know I have too for ALL reasons..Any suggestions?
I can't get past the fact that she would have never engaged with this woman any other time. She is not at all someone she has dated in the past. I know that it should not matter but this woman is almost homely, what am I not getting? Self esteem issues?
We are gay, not that it should matter...and we are both old enough not to have gotten to this point.


Answer
Hi Jan.... did you ever hear the statment that people tend to flock to people based on where they are at in their own lives.... Hence, you state that your ex isn't in a good place right now and this BT isn't (in your opinion) in a good place as well.  Therefore, that might be the common attraction and reason why they are together.  There is no rhyme or reason as to why people do the things that they do.. they just do them and usually it has nothing to do with anyone else.  You have now moved 2000 miles away... why don't you give yourself a chance at rediscovering yourself and finding a wonderful network of new friends in your new location.  Since you moved 2000 miles away maybe you should reconsider the email contact.  People typically respond and really think about things when there is no contact.  Whether she is doing a safe rebound thing really shouldn't matter because it's not for you to decide.  It has to be something that your ex decides is good or not good for her.  BT may have started the ball rolling, but your ex has a mind of her own and she has to do some soul searching to figure out where she is.  But, she may not do that for a very long time - if ever.  She may be comfortable doing what she is doing and unfortunately you are left watching from the sidelines.  You really need to refocus your energies by taking them off of her and what she is doing and making a wonderful new life for yourself.  You are in a new place with great new opportunities.... You seem to know what you have to offer someone - so after spending sometime getting comfortable with you again and being alone.... you will probably find someone who can appreciate everything you have to offer.  If you don't refocus your energies you are going to spend a lot of wasted time hoping and yearning for your ex with no end in sight.  I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck.