Expert: ***ERICA*** - 1/6/2008

Question
I was in a very deep and loving relationship with a man for the past 6 mths. He came out of a 7yr r/ship with a woman who cheated on him several times in early 2007. Our r/ship evolved quite quickly (we don't think it was a re-bound as he admitted he loved me alot) and he moved in with me overseas, a few mths ago. I work overseas and he left everything behind in his home town to be with me. We were very happy together as I fully supported him emotionally and financially whilst he was here for a few months, job-hunting. However to my dislike, my ex partner kept in constant contact with his ex-gf throughout his time with me. And she couldn't let go of him. I knew he didn't admit to her that he was in a full r/ship with me and even told her he still loved her and missed her. He finally flew back home 2 weeks ago and told me today, via email, he was back in a r/ship with his ex and he doesn't want to hear from me ever again.
How cruel can a person be? All I ever did was to genuinely love him, care for him and supported him with all I could give a person.
I am so hurt and angry. I am pretty resilient and normally pretty positive but this has knocked me to the ground very hard and it's making me sick. How could he be so cruel to tell me he was back with his ex in just 2 weeks of leaving me? I invested soooo much in him - emotionally, financially and just physically being there for him to support him everyday he was here.

Answer
Dear Sandra,
I'm sorry - I know how you feel.  You are dealing with so much right now and the only thing that can get you through this is (I hate to say it) taking care of yourself and time.  The problem that many of us women make is that we "take care" of someone who we truly believe we will have a future with.  I can't say that there weren't any warning signs - him talking to his ex, not telling her he was in a relationship, etc.  My hope for you is that if and when he comes back that you are strong enough to realize that you didn't deserve what he did to you and you don't deserve that from anyone.  Sometimes we want someone and/or a relationship with a certain person so badly that we put blinders on and accept unacceptable behavior.  Whether it was a rebound or not doesn't matter - you had a strong emotional bond to this man and it hurts like hell.  When you are hurt to the core due to the breaking up of a relationship and to top if off they are involved with someone else we start to question our own self worth.  Please don't go that route (easier said than done).  This has very little to do with you.  Obviously, him and his ex have some unresolved issues that they need to take care of and whether they work it out or not can't matter to you if you want to feel better.  The best revenge is having a wonderful life.  When someone rocks our very core to that degree - depending on how bad you feel - you have to start off with baby steps... make sure you work, eat properly, try to sleep, work out a little bit, and surround yourself with people who care about you.  I know it sounds pretty stupid because it is so basic, but when you are hurting so bad there are a lot of people who can't even do that.  Then, after a few days/weeks, you start adding things to your life - like remembering what it is that you enjoy doing, watching, listening to, or reading.  The pain doesn't go away for a long time, but it lessens.  The worst thing you can do is chase after him because a general rule in life is "anything that we chase runs away" and men typically respond to NO CONTACT.  Take the great memories and put them in the back of your mind - give yourself 10 minutes a day to think about him and the two of you - then go back to living your own life.  Eventually - and I know it feels like forever you will start to feel ok - then good - and then great.  People can be cruel - selfish - unsympathetic, etc.  There are a lot of "maybe's" that I can throw out there to you, but the bottom line is - he wants to be with her right now - and my concern is that you start feeling great about you because you can't control what he is doing and don't even waste the time analyzing it because it will drive you crazy.  I truly understand and I wish you the best.... Good Luck and I hope this helps.