Expert: ***ERICA*** - 1/16/2008

Question
QUESTION: I was with my ex-boyfriend for 1year and 5 months and we've been friends since then. I've known him since i was younger and we were friends, then i moved, and when i came back we became friends again then it turned into a relationship. we're still apparently on good terms, so he thinks we're still friends but it bothers me the fact that if it weren't for me talking to him he doesn't bother with me at all. i spilled my heart out to him and all he had to say was that his feelings have gotten less and less and now they've reduced to nothing and he doesn't think it will ever be the same again and that he doesn't want to get hurt again. when we were goingout he was jealous that i would talk to guys, but i didn't have feelings for them they were just friends, and when we were goingout i didn't show how much i truly cared about him because i feared if i did that id be in his shoes, not getting true feelings in return because everyone wants to be the person that is carefree in the relationship not the one tahts overprotective you know?. its hard to move on and you never know how long it'll take to find that other relationship i just don't know if hes most likely doing it to get over me or as revenge and trying not to act like he cares, or if he actually really did get over me because he tells me that hes trying to get with this other girl, and the fact that he doesnt talk to me at all and if he had the slightest bit of feeling he would try to talk to me atleast once. what do you think?

ANSWER: The truth... and I hate to say it, but I don't sugarcoat anything.... He is just not that into you.  and the sooner you accept this the easier it will be to move on.  You deserve someone who wants to talk to you, wants to spend time with you , says nice things to you, is there for you etc.  You don't need to be wasting your time on someone who you shared a connection with for a period of time.  Yes, a year and a half is quite a bit of time, but you never really let go because you stayed friends with him right after the breakup.  Yes, it is very difficult to move on, but in your situation he is making it very easy.  He is saying that he doesn't care about you and it will never be the same.  You didn't do anything wrong because you talked to other people... that is what living is all about... Just because we are in a relationship doesn't mean that we need to cut out other parts of our lives.  You don't need to apologize to him or anyone for being the sassy - friendly person that you obviously are.  If he wanted to be with you - he would be.... It is time to stop worrying and caring what he is doing with another girl... and if it is revenge (typically it isn't), but if it is... that is even more reason as to why he doesn't deserve you.  Stop being his friend for the time being and focus on yourself and your life... what it is that you want, do the things that you like, rediscover/reinvent yourself.  Have a great time.... It is hard to move on....but, don't worry about the next relationship because you are just putting a bandaid on your pain if you jump into another situation.  Take this time for you.... I do promise you that the more you stay in contact with him now the harder it will be to move on.... Good Luck and I hope this helps... Find the most important person who thinks you are fantastic.... that person is YOU and then you will stop accepting unacceptable behavior...

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: this is all very true answers but its like i still have hope though because when i talked to him he said that he did really care for me but he believes his friend over me his friend told him to stop talking to me and that im not right for him and that im just using him but thats not true at all. and then he said why should i go out of my way to talk to you when your probobly just using me. its just a confusing situation cause theres things that lead me to believe he is and isnt over me

Answer
Everything you just wrote in your email is an excuse.  If his friend told him to go jump in front of a mac truck would he?  or jump off of a bridge?  I doubt it and if he would I sure wouldn't want to be with him anyway.  By continuing to talk to him you are just causing yourself more grief.  Trust me.  Take this time for you and don't give him the power to control your behaviors.  He made a decision.... force him to stick to it and go about your merry way.... love yourself and your life...