Expert: ***ERICA*** - 1/10/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hi erica, my boyfriend of 7 years broke up with me a few weeks ago and i can't let go. I think about him 24/7 and it's killing me to be like this. I have even begged him for one more chance (even just to put my mind at rest that i tried my best) but he will not have me back. I pulled away from him for the past few months becuase i thought it was what he wanted and was happier with the space but i was wrong and completely regret it. All iwanted to do was hold him and love him and i have been a complete fool! I feel i have made the biggest mistake of my life but he won't give me a chance to try as he is worried we will end up in the same place again. i have tried to assure him that i will walk away if it does not change but that i miss him so much and love him more than anything. He just tells me he is doing what is best for him. All i want is a final chance to love him. I don't know what to do as part of me just can't let go and i love him more than i can say! I have lost myself.

ANSWER: Dear Dawn,

7 years is a very long so, I think that you are expecting yourself to be further along emotionally than what is realistic.  From what your email states.. you have done everything you can to let him know that you are sorry, regret what you did, and want him back... Now here is the hard part... let it go.... He obviously needs time (for whatever reason) and you got yours when you needed it so, you need to respect his wishes.  You have to take care of you ... in 7 years I would be surprised if you didn't say tha tyou lost yourself.  Now is a great time to figure out what it is that Dawn wants, needs, enjoys, and feels.  Do the little things that you forgot you loved in life, meet new people, reconnect with friends, develop a great support group - even if it is something really simple or small - do it.... get yourself into a new routine because the relationship was a routine for so long and without a plan you are going to feel lost.  Sometimes couples who take some time apart are able to come back stronger than ever - at other times they both realize that seperating was the best thing that could have happened, but the only thing that determines that is time and space.  It is very natural for you to be experiencing all of these emotions... I would be worried if you weren't after 7 years.  As time moves on you will be able to look at the relationship realistically and make decisions based on those assessments.  Right now it is very fresh... and you feel rejected... very very normal.  I hope this helps.... Reinvent and recreate yourself.... find you again... its the best journey and investment in the world.  Good Luck

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you Erica. I realise i have to get on with my own life but it just feels like i find no enjoyment in anything anymore and not being able to go out on a Friday and Sat night makes me think he will have one up on me by being out or perhaps i secretly wish to bump into him or feel i am missing out on meeting someone who will sweep me off my feet - i am so confused! I am trying to make new friends but things just don't seem to happen very quickly, do they...
I have tried to convince myself of all the bad things he did and things i wasn't happy about but it won't take away the feeling i have of missing him and loving him completely and utterly! I pine for him! I have not txt him or called him for two days now (except to reply bluntly to his txts about the house). I know people say time is the best healer but i don't know how long i can bear to feel like this! Every day is a struggle and my mind and heart are tired of thinking of him. One more thing. I am terrified of having to go and collect my things from our house tomorrow as it means seeing him again and i also have to see him next Tuesday at the mortgage lenders. I just don't feel strong enough to go through this! Thank you for all your advice and help!
Dawn x

Answer
Dawn... Honestly time does take away alot of the pain as long as you use the time wisely.  Please form a support group of friends/family, try to figure out what it is that you enjoy and do those things, join a gym or try a new activity.... whatever you have to do.  You are going to feel horrible for a while... I am not going to lie to you.  Everything that you are feeling and wanting is normal.  You have to take care of yourself with baby steps.  Nothing will take away the missing and loving him.  Give yourself 10 minutes a day to think about him and then try to devote the rest of the time to you.  I would be professional and very nice when you see him and make sure you don't engage in any "chit chat."  By him seeing you strong and you moving on with your life - it is going to stop him in his tracks.  Grab people to help you be strong... you can cry after you see him - just don't let him see you as anything but a strong woman.  I promise you will get through this....