Expert: ***ERICA*** - 1/14/2008

Question
Hello. I'm almost 19 years and a freshmen in college. My boyfriend of a year and 5 months, who was 3 and half years older then me broke up with me almost 3 months ago. And I can't stop thinking about him. It had gotten better for a short period of time but now I can't stop thinking about him even though things in my life are going really great. I have a possibility of getting a decent paying job for some extra money and have good friends at school. I have started kind of dating again. I was dating someone for less then a month but it didn't work out. Now I am start a relationship with someone who has been a great friend to me for the past 5 months. Everything is going really good. I even think I'm falling in love with him. He is so understanding and he knows I still think about my ex sometimes and he knows how I feel about him and knows I still miss me sometimes. He understands I'm still hurting. The problem is I don't want to hurt no more but I can't stop thinking about my ex. I want to move on so bad but it isn't happening. My ex and are having been being "friends" for about a month and before that we were still talking. Over the past few weeks he was calling me a lot and I even go up the courage to ask why, which led into him saying he won't call anymore. But the other day when I got upset I called him to say sorry for how I acted. It was so dumb and I just did it because I was upset and didn't have the willpower not to. Well when he called me back I also didn't have the willpower not to answer. I don't know if he is going to call be again, he said he would talk to me again but people just say that. I know I can have the willpower not to call him but I don't think I have the willpower not to answer. I want to not talk to him. I want to be over him. But I can't stop thinking about him!!! It is driving me insane. I love the guy I'm with now. He is so understanding and kind and loving and will be there for me always. But I feel like I'm going to ruin the relationship if I don't get over my ex and get over him really soon. I try so hard not to relate issues and not to think about my ex but it happens. How can I stop thinking about him?

Answer
Hi Lisa... 3 monts isn't a long time to be over someone that you were involved with for a year and a half.  I think you are expecting way too much from yourself in a short period of time.  I also think that you may not have been ready for another relationship so soon after the last one was over.  When you start a relationship before you are over an ex - all of those feelings that you start to have for someone else tend to make you remember and sometimes compare things to your ex.  Also, being friends with an ex isn't necessarily the wisest thing to do so soon after a breakup because there are still raw emotions there.  You were with him for a year and a half so, of course your going to still think about him and then when you put him on the spot and he rejects you AGAIN - you want to run and FIX it which is why you called him and said that you acted dumb.  It wasn't dumb - it was the best thing for you.  Now here you are in a new relationship and you state that he is very understanding, kind, and loving.... however, he is going to always have it in the back of his mind that you weren't over your ex thus, it could cause future problems.  Why don't you just take a time out for yourself and really mourn the last relationship for a little while - focus in on yourself - hang out with your girlfriends and then see if you are really really ready to be in a new relationship..... You may just need one really good last cry.... I hope this helps and Good Luck....