Expert: ***ERICA*** - 1/24/2008

Question
Hi.  My name is David, and I was recently dumped by my girlfriend of four months.  We both play soccer, met at a soccer gathering (I took care of her at a party), and we went out all of last semester.  Things were awesome!  She was beautiful, fun, athletic, competitive...everything I look for in a girl.  She'd come over after class and wake me up with a kiss.  We'd spend hours playing games, watching tv, having fun, and just being together.  I couldn't imagine being with anyone else...she was so perfect, and I could have seen her as a lifelong partner.

Well, winter break came.  She was a freshman, so it was her first time home in a while.  She's a very family oriented person, and she loves her pets to death.  I have a place off campus, so we were able to see each other every few days...maybe like two days every eight days.  Things we're still going great.  I'd visit her, she'd visit me, and we always had a blast.  She came down to my place January 8-10, and the 10th was out four month anniversary.  

It was rocky...I confronted her about not doing the small things that made me smile , like texting me and saying she missed me and loved me.  Every day, I would text her and wish her a great day, and tell her I missed her and how much I loved her...stuff that came from the heart and stuff that would hopefully make her smile.  She felt like I was attacking her, and that she'll text me when she feels like it.  Well, I apologized for attacking her, and things went better, and we ended up having a blast, besides her being sick.  When she left on the night of the 10th to go back home, the last thing I saw was her blowing kisses out her window as she got ready to leave.

As the nights rolled on after that, things became increasingly worse.  She became cold, wouldn't text me at all, barely talk to me at night, and just all around distant.  On the night of the 13th, she texted me and said "I love you."  During the day of the 14th, she confronted me on AIM and told me I was being too clingy and that she wanted a break...she didn't want to feel obligated to talk to me.  I said alright, though it killed me inside not to talk to the biggest part of my life.  A few days later, she broke up with me all together over the internet, and refused to talk to me on the phone about it.

Now college is back in session, and she's back on campus.  We're in the same class together, and after class the first day, I tried asking how she was and how her first day of classes went.  She wouldn't look me in the eye when talking, made it clear by the tone of voice that she didn't want to talk to me, and responded with very short, concise answers.

I don't know what went wrong!  She never gave me any reasons on why she broke up with me.  I was a true gentleman, and I treated her like a queen.  I paid for every meal, opened up every door, and helped her whenever she needed it.  Now that I'm back on campus, I'm so used to being able to spend my extra time with a loving girlfriend that I can't stop thinking about her, and I have trouble doing anything.  I'm normally an optimistic person, but I just don't understand what went wrong!  How can the love and happiness we had just disappear like that?  Can you shed the light on this situation?  I just want her to realize how happy we were, and how perfect we are for each other...and I just want to be able to hold her in my arms again.  I feel so lost without her!  What happened...what went wrong?!

Answer
Hi David,
A breakup is even harder when we don't understand why it happened.  First and foremost you need to take care of you - baby steps such as getting up, going to class, eating, getting enough sleep, studying, and working out (that is a great stress reliever).  Surround yourself with friends and family that will understand that you are going through a difficult time.  It isn't easy - sometimes you have to take each moment second by second, minute to minute, hour by hour, etc.... The only thing we can do when we enter into a relationship is to be ourselves and treat people the way that we want to be treated, but not everyone in our life is going to "feel it" like we do and vice versa.  That is one of the "joys" of dating.  The love and happiness may just not have been there for her - in the beginning we all feel a sense of euphoria - it's new, adventurous, fun, exciting, etc... but, as time goes on we get to know the other person and sometimes one or both of the parties involved just doesn't feel it.  It's very hard.  So, my advice to you is.... take this time for you and reflect how you may want to act differently (if at all) in the next relationship you have, concentrate on school and your family/friends, etc.  Baby steps are what gets us through these difficult times.... it isn't easy, but I promise that you will get through this.  Allow yourself 10 minutes a day to think about her and the two of you.... then you need to get busy with the rest of YOUR DAY and YOUR LIFE.... Good Luck and I hope this helps...