Expert: ***ERICA*** - 10/14/2008

Question
Erica,

I 41 was involved with a woman 39 for over two months in which we spent time seeing one another long distance of 3hrs. I have a son of 6yrs old in which I spend every other weekend. We spent our first date having lunch that carried over to dinner and over night stay. Since that moment we spent time together and had many conversations of our lives of past both good and bad about families, friends and Ex's. We shared so much about one another personally that we began to really learn one another opening up deep secrets.  In this dating/relationship she did tell me that she was not sure she wanted to commit to anyone or any relationship. Maybe I was unclear or did not pay attention in what she stated in the beginning, but if two people spend time together in which it was sexual and emotional one would think that after two months it would establish some form of relationship.

We just went on a fun, romantic trip to the Caribbean for 4 days, just 4 weeks ago and that weekend we returned was the last time I've seen her. We spoke on the phone as always but one weekend that I had my son. She went out with her friends who are married and said she would call later but did not call until the next morning. When she called that morning I was a little upset because it seemed out of character for her to forget. I doubted her trust and assumed something that I had no proof of and asked her why she did not call and what she did? We spoke and I apologized that day but did speak to her until the next night when I called and she had been crying and did not want to discuss anything at the time. So, I let her to be and she called the next day apologizing of her actions and that she was just having a bad day. Two days later she calls and says she needs time/space or freedom at this time to figure herself out. I granted and we spoke a couple times during and then she called my phone to leave another message saying "The way I am feeling right now has nothing to do with you. It has to do with me. I think I told you when I met you that I wasn't sure if I wanted a relationship-that I wasn't ready to commit to
> anything or any body. I feel like I am at a place in my life where I
really don't know what I want. And I am trying to figure it out.
And I understand that it isn't fair to you. I know you understand me,
but I know it will be hard to understand this part of me.
> I just want to "date" me, right now. I want to understand me, trust
me, figure out what I want in life and go from there. I don't want to hurt you, or your feelings. It is not my intention and never has been.
>
> After reading part of this book, and I know there are more I need to
read, I understand there are some issues I still have to deal with and it needs to be by myself. I am used to doing it that way and it is what works for me. I don't mean to be selfish, but the truth is...there are some chapters in my book of life that need to be closed and put away.
>
> I am not asking you to stick around until I figure out what I want.
You deserve more than that. You are an amazing man. Truly.
>
>
> I just wanted you to know where my head is. I'd like to talk to you-
but later on tonight, if that is all right.
>
>
> I don't want to hurt you- it breaks my heart. I'm just not ready and
it's not fair to you. I'm just being honest with you and with myself. Please forgive me.

She had bought this book "The courage to trust" In which she realizes some issues of herself that needs time. We spoke that night and of course I was hurt but told her I would give her time and that we will talk soon!  After two weeks of no contact I sent her an e-mail saying how I felt in not being upset with her but just confused in hopes she  works through those issues and we will talk soon.  She did reply to say thank you for the e-mail and I appreciate it and goes on to tell me about what she has planned for the weekend.  Then I get another e-mail from her today asking for some information and small talk.

How much time do I give her in asking her out for a fun filled date?  Do you think I'm just wasting my time on someone who seems unsure about life at this moment? Thank you for any advise!

Answer
Dear Bob,
The truth is that she told you from the beginning that she doesn't want a relationship.  She was honest and forthright.  Unfortunately, what you are feeling is normal.  When we care about someone and take it to another level we want for that person to want to be with us as much as we want to be with them and we hope that they see how much we care about them.  I completely understand, but it usually doesn't go that way.  Whatever her issues are - we all have them, but she is obviously not ready or willing to try to give this a go.... It is up to you whether or not you want to accept the relationship as is.  Period.  Not what if's or maybe's, but that she is going to be fun, but doesn't want a relationship and may never want that.  If you are looking to settle down then I suggest that you don't contact her and see what happens, but keep your options open.  You shouldn't have to wait and wonder if and when she may be ready because if that time doesn't come then you are going to have spent many countless hours and days... even months or possibly years .... yearning for someone who couldn't and wouldn't give you what you need.... I have a motto that I live by and suggest everyone to live by it....  Live like it is your last day, dance like noone is watching, and love like you have never been hurt.  Good Luck and Warmest Wishes, Erica