Expert: ***ERICA*** - 10/5/2008

Question
My ex-boyfriend and I broke up 4 years ago and lately the idea that we're no longer together hurts more than ever before. We kept in contact for the past 4 years and only recently this past June did I tell him that being 'friends' was just too difficult. I don't talk to him or see him anymore, and yet I find everything hurting more and more lately...I think it's because I am finally coming to terms with the idea that we may not end up together. I have had 3 serious boyfriends since him....2 of them that lasted for a year + and the most recent one that lasted for 6 months....it's not that I didn't like my other boyfriends but they were incapable of living up to the standards that my first love left...what hurts most is that I broke up with him to experience life on my own at college, a decision I regretted almost immediately...I guess I'm just looking for someone to talk to about this...it doesn't help that my best friends and sister have been in amazing relationships for the past few years so it's hard to gain perspective from them...I just want a fix from this because I feel pathetic to be crying over something that I haven't truly had since high school...

I just truly have no idea how to shake this...we started dating when I was 16 and he was 17 and we officially broke up when I was 18 and he was 19...so we were 'together' straight through for exactly 2 years...I do not understand how I am still so hungup on this, and more importantly why now more than ever I find myself crying every day and thinking about it all the time when I don't even talk to or see him anymore...I just feel like this is never going to go away and I'm going to spend the rest of my life regretting and longing.

Any advice on how to shake this?

Answer
Dear Laura,
I am sorry that you are going through such a rough time.  It is normal to miss someone that was really good to us.  It is even harder when we were the one to end the relationship thinking that the grass is greener, but you haven't found "the one" yet.  These are all normal feelings.  But, the truth is you are going to find someone that has a lot of the qualaties that your ex had... and you will value and appreciate the relationship.  Please don't beat yourself up over what happened four years ago.  You should experience the college life and the life after 21... it is one of the best times of your life.... you discover so much about yourself.  Surround yourself with great people and one thing that I applaud you on is that you refuse to settle for a relationship that isn't making you feel fulfilled.... that is a great thing!!  When the time is right (and I am sure that you have heard that a million times) it will happen.  It will happen because you will be ready - and you will have learned alot about you.  Now you know what you want in a potential partner and what you have to offer.  That is huge because people in their 40's don't even know that sometimes.  Good Luck and Warmest Wishes, Erica