Expert: ***ERICA*** - 10/10/2008

Question
QUESTION: i have been together with s for 7 years now..and we recently broke up ..officially about a month ago.  however, we stopped talking...about 3 months ago.  i am only 23..and he is my first boyfriend.  we've had a lot of ups and downs...(honesty issues, him with drugs, deaths, schools, family issues) but we have always made it through and that seemed to make us stronger.  he has a really hard problem with telling white lies.  i have caught him many times, and i never really think that i was able to trust him again.  recently, i think he's been involved with more drugs.  when i found out..3 months ago, i decided maybe this wasn't what i wanted, so we broke up..unofficially.  (im sorry, it's really complicated)  in this time, i wanted him to see what his habits are doing to the "important" things in his life.  i told him that i was over him..but i dont really know how he could have thought that - i mean, seriously it was 7 years.  when i told him a few months later that i wasnt over him..that i just wanted him to see the consequences of him choosing this lifestyle..he said that he wasnt ready to "grow up" yet.  he doesnt like the fact that i have not accepted these habits of his..that he knows he will change, but he doesnt want to change right now.  the first month was probably the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with..but at the same time, i finally came to the realization that we cannot make it work right now.  we said we'd stay friends, because we were important to each other, but at the same time he isn't really keeping up his end of the bargain.  i dont want to be "that ex" to him..although i dont think he sees me that way..but im not sure.  i changed my number so that he cant contact me..and so i can resist contacting him, but sometimes we still communicate through email and AIM.  now, he said things are complicated because he may or may not be interested in someone else..because right now she accepts all of his habits.  he said he didnt see a future with her, but that she's accepted everything that he's doing..done.  i just dont think i could accept someone who relies on drugs so much to get through the pain.  he's had a hard life, but at the same time, i feel like there are other outlets.  i dont know why it bothers me, but i feel like i should really let him go..as in make a clean break altogether.  because in the end, i admitted my true feelings, and i explained everything, but he didnt want to make it work anymore.  it's also strange to me..how someone could say they are in love, yet move on so fast.  the worst part about all this though, is that i know i am losing my best friend.  before everything..before the dating..before it got so complicated, we were the best of friends - for over 2 years before we even dated.  so i have mourned the loss of my boyfriend, and i have accepted that.  now im trying to deal with the fact that ive lost my best friend.  he says we will become friends again..but i dont know how that's going to work really.  in a few months, i am moving to NY to complete my masters.  im just trying to get through these next few months..and i know it will get better when i am out of this state altogether.  the other thing also, is that i feel like he is hanging on just in case he figures out that hey, maybe i do want her..because the other notches in his belt may not have worked.  for me, i just think that i cant move on knowing that there is still that chance..but at the same time, i couldnt be with someone who wanted to try on x amount of girls first..and then figure that i am the one he wants.  also..after some personal struggles and admittance, i figured that i did want to spend the rest of my life with him.  i know that cant happen right now, because ive become so dependent on him, emotionally..that i need to find myself again, but in this process..it's more likely that he will really move on..since i am physically moving too.  i dont know what to do..im not even sure what my question is.  how can i still feel like he is the one for me..if he does not feel like i am the one for him?  what if he figures it out..and it's too late? because as time goes by..i just find it harder to be able to really let myself ever be that vulnerable to any man again.

ANSWER: Dear Kim,
Regardless of whether or not he is interested in someone else or someone else accepts unacceptable behavior (for now) can't matter because you cared just enough about yourself to realize that you could not live your life the way you were living it.  You should be very proud of yourself for finding the strength to do what was right for you.  If he wants to continue to live his life in a way that is destructive to everyone around him and most importantly himself - there is nothing that you can do about it because the only person we can change is ourself.... we cannot change anyone else.  I know that you won't find a lot of comfort in what I am telling you because 7 years is alot of time, but imagine the rest of your life being the way that it was.  You have a lot going for you.  NY is a great place to live with a lot of opportunities and maybe it will be easier to move on when you are out there.  He has to hit rock bottom before he changes his life and unfortunately noone can speed up the process it just has to play itself through.  Eventually you will find the ability to love again, but it will take time.  You have to heal... The only thing that will make you heal is time and taking care of yourself.  Cherish the great moments that the 2 of you shared and place them somewhere special in your heart and then get busy creating your own life.  Good Luck and Warmest Wishes, Erica

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Erica,

i know i cared enough about myself to leave..but now..i dont know.  i wouldnt go back to that anyways, but i think what's really bothering me is that ive lost my best friend.  i dont know how to let go of this..and im wondering how to let go completely.  it seems impossible..especially when i finally figured out at the very end that i want to spend the rest of my life with him...(when he's ready to change that is).  in the mean time..i know i have to go on with my own goals and my own ambitions in life.  it's just really hard..and yes..i absolutely hate that phrase now..that time will heal..  

i do thank you so much for your prompt reply...now if i could just get an approximate time that i will be back to normal, i would greatly appreciate it.  

you are wonderful erica.
-k

Answer
Thank you for the kind words K... Honestly, there is no magical time frame as to when you are going to feel "normal" again.  You will be excited and scared about your move and have a lot going on in your life so I would say sooner than later.  Losing your best friend is incredibly sad.... losing a relationship is sad as well.  If the 2 of you were that close.... given time you will reconnect, but maybe at that point in your life it won't be as important to you as it is now.  I applaud you for continuing on with your goals... so many women and men lose their entire life and identity in a relationship and completely forget about themselves.  You have not done that.  He will not change until he is ready to and that could mean ending up in an extremely dark place that you don't need to be in.  Good Luck and Warmest Wishes, Erica