Expert: ***ERICA*** - 10/27/2008

Question
Hi Erica I appreciate you taking the time to read this. I need advice and encouragement more than ever. I am 18 years old and I've been with my boyfriend, who is also 18, for almost 4 1/2 years. I was in love with him in the beginning of our relationship until we ran into problems. About a year or so later after we got together I was diagnosed with endometriosis and one of the symptoms are pain with intercourse. When I had found this out we were already sexually active ( which is why I went to the doctor since there was a lot of pain). I started treatment for the disease as well as surgery and I still had pain and was unable to have intercourse. Well that didn't swing well with him. Back then he would yell and scream at me, make me cry, call me horrible names and even result to hitting himself. He has never done serious harm to me except for pulling my hair once and grabbing my wrists and bruising them. Which is completely unacceptable as it is. That was about 1 1/2 to 2 years ago. In between treatments its still painful to those types of things intimately and he, although not as bad, still yells, calls me names, throws fits when I can not satisfy his needs that way. I'm so sorry to be blunt. But he would then make me guilty enough to do this even through the pain. Besides acting like this through all of that he gets upset if I hang out with any of my friends and I'm NOT allowed to talk to any guys what so ever. I have never cheated on him and honestly I know he has not cheated on me either. He seems very obsessed with me and I just don't know what to do. This has gone on 4 1/2 years and I'm absolutely miserable, although he acts sort of "normal" when some days hes ok, he acts fine, but still obsessed. I guess that is why I've let it go on for so long. I've tried breaking up with him several times but yet he still comes by my house or calls me constantly and threatens to damage my car or cause a ruckus at my work to get me fired if I go through with breaking up with him. I don't want to involve the police in it. I haven't been in love with him since he started all of this back years ago. I just want this to end so that no harm is done to me, my family, or my things, as well as no damage to his self. I'm just so clueless as what to do. I'm sorry this is so long and drawn out, I just want you understand the kind of situation I'm in and I would appreciate any advice at all as to end this. Thank you so much.

Answer
Dear Kelly,
You have to decide if you really want to leave this relationship which would surprise me if you didn't.  Based on your email this man is extremely controlling and manipulative.  However, you do have to accept some responsibility for continuing to accept it.  If you want to leave you must be stern and short and not listen to any of his pleas, begging, etc.  You have to disconnect yourself from him completely which isn't easy to do.  Then, I would inform your HR dept. to let them know of your situation so that if he tries to cause problems at your job it doesn't fall onto you.  If he damages your car or threatens you in any way then you need to get the police involved - period.... It's not like you are just calling the cops for fun, but rather to protect yourself and that is what they are there for.  Furthermore, you can always seek a PFA against him to make sure that the courts order him to stay away from you.  Do all of this only when you are sure that you are going to leave him.  You deserve a better life for yourself and by allowing this behavior to continue you will fall into a much deeper rut that you may never get out of.  Please find the strength to give yourself a chance at a normal life.... one that can be filled with much happiness.. Good Luck and Warmest Wishes, Erica