Expert: ***ERICA*** - 10/28/2008

Question
I'm in my early 30's & I've always used my head rather than my heart in choosing a partner.  My ex-husband was a good man, loyal & hard working but would exhaust himself to the point where he'd bury himself in his hobby at home & would sleep very early.  After years of arguing that we never did anything together, broken promises, temporary fixes, & marriage counseling, I had to leave.

The next time around, I thought it might be better to follow my heart & fell for someone 10 years younger than me.  At first it was just for fun, I didn't want anything serious but we spent so much time enjoying each other's company that my feelings grew.  The 1st 1/2 of the year we spent together was great, the last 1/2 turned into a nightmare when a new long distance friend appeared and he gave me reasons not to trust him.  He did his best to keep their friendship secret for a long time, slipping up here and there on the way.  He lied to me about a trip he needed to take for an interview, when in fact he booked a trip to see her.  I found out 2 weeks before the trip.  At first when I found out he apologized but told me this was something he needed to do.  I broke up with him of course, devastated, and a few days later it seemed he magically had a change of heart.  Suddenly he seemed devastated, crying to me all day, and I fell for it.  He cancelled the trip & promised to cut her off.  But it was so fresh in my mind I kept arguing with him about it, breaking up with him every other day.  A couple weeks later, I decided to let it go, try to make it work, and I did.  We stopped arguing, I thought we were stabilizing again.  Little did I know, he cut her off for a week & started talking to her again.  He ended up breaking up with me and booking a 2nd trip 2 days later.  It's been 2 weeks since this happened, we've talked on and off.  He says he still wants to be friends & hang out, but I'm the jilted one.  I'd cut him off one day, start to feel better, assume I may be able to handle a friendship, saw him this weekend & ended up regressing into a worse state after looking at his phone again & seeing txt's & pictures they send each other.  I finally realized today that I need a lot more time to heal.  I've accepted this is it, I'm trying to be the better person & let him be happy, & do what’s best for me.  I cut him off this morning.

I've never been though heartbreak this severe.  I assume this is what people get for following their hearts.  He's trip to see her is next weekend & I don't know how I'll be able to handle it.  I’m pretty sure I won’t be over it in 10 days & I know I’ll be making up stories in my head on what they’re doing during those 4 days & 3 nights.
I’m still torn up about it, but not as devastated as I was the first time around 2 months ago.  I’m able to sleep (not well) & eat again. I do feel like I’ve genuinely accepted things.  I’m not sure if you can answer this, but I was wondering how far along the post breakup healing process am I?  I desperately want to feel nothing during the days of his trip.  I don’t want to care.
All I know is that part of me is starting to become angry & I think there’s nothing to love with him, he started to become cold & heartless in the end & I feel so much hatred toward him now.
I’ve looked up and down online to see what the actual healing process is & couldn’t find anything.  Is it denial, depression & low self-esteem, acceptance, then anger? What’s next?

Answer
Dear Faith,
There are tons of emotions that you are going to go through for a decent amount of time.  However, by staying in contact with him and thinking that you can be his friend - it is only going to get worse and the pain is going to get a lot worse.  Right now he has basically disrespected you and lied to you.... How do you make a relationship work after that?  The bottom line is that he chose to make all of these decisions.  Now he has to live with the consequences.  Seeing him/Talking to him is only a short term fix with much longer term consequences.  The only way you are going to feel better is to do exactly what you say you are going to do.... HEAL and the only way to HEAL is with no contact and time.  It's back to the good old baby steps of taking care of you.  Rejection sucks and when you follow your heart instead of your head rejection is a lot harder to deal with.  Try to not harden from this situation and love someone again.... when the time is right..... Someone 10 years younger then you has a different agenda.... good, bad, or indifferent... it isn't possible for him to be on the same page as much as he may have liked to have been.  Good Luck and Warmest Wishes, Erica