Expert: ***ERICA*** - 10/10/2008

Question
Hello Erica,
I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for almost 5 years now. Im 28
years old she is 27. We have been living together for about 3 years now. The
first year we lived together was good. By the second year we had sex only
about once every month which we discussed many times and tried to fix but
eventually we thought that we were just going through a low stage in our
relationship. It began to feel as if we were just roommates rather than lovers.  
Fearing that we were growing distant we began to spend more time together.
The third year she got heavily involved with work, running a marathon, and
Korean culture program that ended with a trip to Korea for 3 weeks. We
talked about it before she started either opportunities and I encouraged her
because I knew thats what she wanted. I saw less and less of her. Eventually I
had grown lonely so I told her how I felt. After the marathon and the trip to
Korea were over we moved to a new city.  We fight like any other couple and
generally get along very well.We have created a life together. The Past  month
I have been having doubts about our future. I am finishing up school part of
which she helped to support during a time when I was financially unstable. I
have met someone recently. Now I am not saying I love this person but I am
definitely attracted. This really hit me hard. Why was I attracted to someone I
barely knew? I felt so guilty for liking this person. I knew this spelled trouble
for us. After a few days of this confusion I sat and told her how I felt. We both
cried so much. She asked me if I saw a future for us together and I told her I
don't know. We decided to take a break but right after she stormed into the
bedroom and cried the hardest and sadist I have ever heard from her.We
agreed to try to make it work. The next morning I was still sad about the
whole situation. I looked at some pictures of us together and called and told
her I sill loved her and that we should try. I love her but I wonder if there is
enough to salvage. Everything is still so weird between us right now. I don't
know what to do. The person I like is in one of my classes so I see her at least
2 days a week in class. My brain is dazed and confused. Dazed by this girl
that I like. Confused about my current relationship with my girlfriend. We
have so much invested. We have 2 cats, furniture,very close to each others
family, future plans to live abroad, her mother pays me to maintain her
website every month. I don't know what to do. I do love her and want to give
this a chance to work. I can't trust my judgment because I don't know if its
because I love her or I'm in love with her. Do i really like this other girl or is
just a crush? Has our relationship just been dry for the past couple of years
or have we been holding on to the past? Everything feels so tangled.

Sincerely,
the Dazed and Confused James

Answer
Dear James,
It is normal to fall into a "comfortable" pattern when you live with someone and have been with someone for a long period of time.  The worst thing you could do is get involved with someone else right at this moment because you have a lot to sort out.  If you feel that the relationship that you are currently in is worth saving then I would throw myself into that relationship and maybe even seek couples counseling.  It is normal to get bored and have to revive the passion, but both parties have to be willing to work on it.  Maybe you need some space and a break to figure out what both of you want.  Maybe you have grown too far apart to rekindle the romance.  I don't know what the answer is, but I would figure out my current situation before I moved on to another.  It wouldn't be fair to any of the parties involved and someone "new" is always enticing, but not necessarily what you want in a partner.  You really need to take some time and think this through.  Good Luck and Warmest Wishes, Erica