Expert: ***ERICA*** - 10/14/2008

Question
I am an international student pursuing my graduate studies in US. I have been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for 8 months now. I just turned 27 and he is 28 years old. We met online in Feb and started chatting and talking over phone for long hours for a month after which we met. We liked each other a lot and found us quite compatible when we decided to start this relationship. It was all going so perfect. He would visit me twice a month and I went and stayed over his place twice during my vacations for over a week. I thought I had just found my "Mr. Right" and he too seemed quite serious about me. He would even promise about marriage and starting a family with me sometime soon. He convinced me that he is a very family oriented person. When his parents visited him from our country, he even brought them to my place and introduced them to me. I thought they liked me too. Also, he talked to my father over phone when I asked him to. All this really made me think that he is quite serious about me and would like to formalize this relationship into marriage eventually. So we started talking about settling down and thats when the problems started. Contrary to what he  pretended, he just didn't seem too much interested in settling down and starting a family in the near future. He started pressurizing me that he can think of settling down only when  I find a job around his place and move in with him. Since I still have a year to go before I start looking for a job and also since it will be my first job I cannot promise on that. Another problem is that his town is a very small town which doesn't offer me with much opportunities at all. What was more shocking is that he didn't want to relocate to where I find a job. He wants all sacrifices coming from me. He still says that he would love to marry me but only when I promise that I am going to be with him right from the marriage day. I think thats being selfish and blackmailing. Also he isn't man of his words and   not very family oriented. I was shocked to find this dominating and chauvinistic attitude which wasn't there when he convinced me to start this relationship. So we are fighting and arguing everyday regarding this issue. I am totally tired and confused and thinking hard if I should continue with this anymore. I know its too early given the amount of time we have dated. I also know that if I want I can wait to formalize this relationship until I find a job near his place, which might take some years from now. But whats the guarantee that he wouldn't dominate me ever? How can I trust that he will keep the promises he makes today? How can I be sure that he wouldn't ask me to compromise whenever there is a chance? I am in total fix and I don't know what to do. I am really overwhelmed and can hardly concentrate in my work. I don't deny that I love him or he loves me. But can such a relationship really have a bright future when one person is so manipulative? Should I give it more time or should I just call it off?

Answer
Dear Jaya,
I think that both parties need to compromise in order to make a relationship work.  I think the 2 of you need to sit down and really discuss your future plans.  If moving to his area won't work for you and vice versa maybe the 2 of you could find a happy medium.  There are no guarantees in friendships, relationships, or marriage.  It is all about taking a risk, but if there are a lot of red flags that can't be resolved I have learned to run and run fast.  I think that it is important to stop the fighting and reconnect as a couple if you want to be together, but these issues need to be seriously discussed because they could make or break the relationship.  Again, its not whether he should compromise or you should compromise, but 2 people who want to be together to give of themselves to make it work.  Good Luck and Warmest Wishes, Erica