Expert: ***ERICA*** - 10/7/2008

Question
Dear Erica

I am seven weeks into a break up and still barely able to function properly.  I have been left feeling devastated by the break up.  We were together for nearly three years and were planning to embark on IVF.  He cited this as one of the factors for not wanting to continue as he felt too 'immature' to go ahead with it.  This past year has been full of stresses. I've had health issues to contend with and ongoing cosmetic dentistry work, which started the week that he left.  He had just started his own business. The night of the split was horrendous and I was very over emotional about it all.  I got drunk and attempted to cut my wrist - in all reality, a mere cry for help.  

I didn't see him for nearly five weeks until he came to collect the rest of his belongings last Friday.  He was only here for half an hour and told me that he couldn't be friends with me as he still had 'feelings' for me.  I am unable to get in touch with him as he will not give me his new address and he changed his phone number when he left. It has been left with him saying that he will get in touch via email when he is ready.  I can only assume that this will be months away and this is if it ever happens at all.

I am finding it so hard to let go.  I asked him why he went back on a website that we met through after only 3 weeks of us splitting up.  His response was that he felt lonely and needed to boost his self esteem.  I told him that I felt that I had no good memories to hold onto from our relationship due to his lack of communication since we broke up.  He told me that I have been the only woman that he has truly loved and that he has never loved anyone as much as he loved me.  I got in touch with his wife (he is still married and has been trying to obtain a divorce from her since we first got together - she lives in the US).  It was bizarre to read about her time with him as it seemed so similar in some respects to the relationship I had with him.  He was very passive-aggressive controlling.  It always felt to me that both of us were always trying to control the other toward the end of our relationship.  What I dont understand is why I still feel this desperate ache to be with him.  Every day I am writing emails to him but thankfully storing them in my draft folder.  I would be grateful for any advice offered.


Answer
Dear Helen,
Everything you are feeling is normal.... However, I would suggest that you seek some professional help during this difficult time... I know that speaking to a professional is very helpful during a difficult time.... it helps us to regain control of our life... There is nothing that I can say that is going to really make you feel better... the only thing that is going to make you feel better is time and taking care of you.  I would try to stop looking at what it is he is doing, stop communicating with him because you are never going to get the answers you are looking for, and start rebuilding a great life for yourself by taking baby steps every day.  It is very hard and its FABULOUS that you are not sending the emails.... If and when he contacts you via email I hope that you are at a point in your life where you don't even need to entertain them.  Don't allow him all of the power... give yourself back the power and do for you... Asking him questions are just going to get you bull(*)& answers... Spare yourself the hope and misery.  You DESERVE ALOT BETTER.... Good Luck and Warmest Wishes, Erica