Expert: Dana Q - 10/9/2008

Question
QUESTION: I was involved with a lovely young woman for almost two years. I am 28 she is twenty seven. Our relationship abruptly came to an end about two months ago. i just need to know a few things.

When we first met, she was married. We had a four month affair. she explained to me that she was unhappy with her marriage because she didn't receive the attention she needed and that they were always fighting. She confided in me in many things. She was so sincere and sweet and seemed to be the type of woman I was looking for. I purchased a cell phone for her so that we could talk without her husband discovering us. She broke it off with me because she was jealous when she saw a co worker making sexual advances in my direction. My then girlfriend said she was going to go crazy with two men on her mind.

I moved on and found another woman shortly thereafter. The woman I had been involved with previously had been separated from her husband. She came back to me to continue our relationship. It was so nice, at first. She had a restraining order against her husband, so they did not speak for two months until their divorce was final. Then things went down hill. Her ex husband would call 3 or 4 times a day. She would speak with him for twenty minutes or more at a time when we were together. I asked her to please respect me by not speaking to him while we were together. She did not respect my wishes. She would later compare me to him and talk about her time with him when I would try to talk to her about us.

During this time, I helped her with her bills and purchased a car for her, because she wasn't earning very much money after her divorce. We spent a lot of time together and rarely had disagreements. one day i lost my cool when I had an incident with my car and she came to my aide. I had to wait for nearly an hour until she finished a conversation with her Ex. I found myself beoming more irritable with her and having a short fuse with her because of this. I yelled at her one night and she broke up with me the night before my 26th b-day. She was always near to make sure I didn't forget her. She would call and check on me to see  what i was doing. We got back together by default because we were already spending time together. nothing had really changed.
She broke up with me again in December because i was unhappy with how she treated me differently at work than in private. (i'm black and she's mexican) I called her on it and told her "what's good for the goose is good for the gander.) Let me explain. She had a problem with how ex girlfriends would call me on occasion. I continued to be friends with them. She wasn't comfortable with that arrangent. I changed my phone number. When it came time for her to reciprocate, she refused. She broke up with me to have her way.

We got back together after two months apart. She respected my wishes this time. Now she had a problem that I would go out with my friend ( the one that got us together) and wouldn't invite her. This was after she would go out with her family without me. I had no prblem with it until she wanted me to do something she wouldn't do. This was the continual theme for our relationship. She wanted a certain treatment but did nothing to garner that treatment. She enjoyed receiving oral sex but didn't like to do it. Wanted me to invite her out with me and my friends but would never offer an invite with hers. I would always help her and her family, (they don't speak english) i would even pay for everyone when we went out.

With time, we talked abotu buying a house. We were discussing how we would be and how we would handle our relationship. Things began to revert. She went to Mexico to visit her family on two occasions within 6 weeks time. It wasn't a problem. I made plans to go to dallas to visit my sister this past easter. I invited my girlfriend to go with me. She was scared because she wanted to take her son and was preoccupied with what her ex would think. She thought about many things she could tell him. I had to let my sister know when i was going so that her and her husband could get the time off. I told my girlfriend to let me know if she was going or not. She didn't give me an answer because she had yet to speak with her ex. I left without her. she did not leave me in peace the entire weekend. She would call and cry about how much she missed me. I appreciated the sentiment until I became annoyed. She would call every hour on the hour and even had nerve to ask me to come back early. i couldn't enjoy my visit iwth my sister. I came back and things calmed down somewhat. I was looking for more from her. I was in th process of buying the house we picked out together. I asked her if she would ever go back to her husband if she saw that he had changed. She told me that she would have to think about it really hard. I did not appreciate the answer, but I asked the question. I knew she wasn't sure about me.

We purchased a vehicle together which was later stolen and burned. She used the insurance money to but land and did not put my name on it or anything. By now, her ex was with another woman and expectiong a baby. I asked my girlfriend how she felt, she answered by saying that she lost all hopes to get back together with him.

To shorten things up, i made dinner for her one night and she was upset about how her family apparently had no concern for where she was at. I was upset because i felt she had showed a total disrespect for me and my efforts. i felt as if I wasn't good enough in that moment that she was worried about her family and not happy to be with me. She threw water at me and we had an exchange. i went to jail. Now she says that she wants nothing from me because I am a dangerous man.
My question is is she just a gold digger?
am I naive to have put up with so much stuff for so long?
It hurts that after so long things happened the way they did. i believe i am a good guy. Did I do her wrong? Am I wrong for wanting more from her? She didn't want to do certain things since we weren't married, but it wasn't a problem for her when she received things from me. Am i wrong for thinking this way?

i thank you in advance and appreciate your time and attention in this matter.

ANSWER: Hi Anthony,

Thanks for writing to me.  Unfortunately, I do think this woman used you.  You did absolutely nothing wrong here, except to give all of your heart to a person who didn't deserve it.  She is a selfish and manipulative woman who enjoys having two men's attention, and who uses people for whatever she can get.  You are far better off without this woman in your life.  If and when she comes crawling back to you looking to get back together because the gravy train has stopped, tell her in no uncertain terms to get lost.  Let her ex take care of all her needs.

Good Luck,

Dana Q

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: She is now back together with her Ex. Why would she do this? Am I wrong for feeling like this was a plan? i not only feel used, I also feel like a man whore. She once told me that her ex was the only man she had been with and was curious about sex with another man. Why would she go back to him after getting divorced from him?

Answer
Anthony,

It could have been a plan, or it could have just been she thought she wanted to be with someone else, but was in love with her ex all along.  Regardless of what it was, she is a user and a manipulator.  She isn't worth your time or attention.  You shouldn't feel like a man whore; all you did was sincerely give your heart to her.  It is not your fault that she is a bad person who mistreated you.  Try to keep focusing on the fact that she is a bad person; it will help you realize how much better off you are without her in your life.

DQ