Expert: ***ERICA*** - 10/16/2008

Question
Hi there, I have a male friend who is in a mess and his situation is a little bizzarre for my comprehension so i am seeking advice as to how to approach this.  He is 26 and has never been in a relationship. In fact his first kiss was a couple weeks ago and he got slapped cos he didnt exactly know what he was doing. Well he has had this crazy crush on this girl for close to 10yrs now and she is married and told him theres no chance for them. he stuck around hoping for a long time i think. they were good friends and used to hang out together heaps. in fact, the girl who slapped him was the best friend of the girl he "thinks he loved". right.. so he wanted to break out of this mess so he took a big step and moved countries. so he has been here for just over a month now but is really down and negative about himself and doesnt know how to break free and move on.  he thought moving countries would solve it but i think his problem is an inner one so he needs to deal with it! so basically
- his 26 and never dated before
- had a crush (he thinks it was love) on a girl who is a close friend of his for close to 10yrs
- he moved countries to break free from this
- that girls best friend likes him so she moved here as well.
- he had his first kiss with her and got slapped haha
- he is really down and gets depressed and changes mood and becomes different person altogether when he is alone
- he has low self esteem
- he has had professional counselling before but didnt help much

me and my partner have organised dinner with him so we can talk about his issues and help him from there.. i think the problems lies in his thinking.. if he can change or alter how he thinks about girls and life and meeting other people, then in time.. im confident he will move on.. but how do i approach this in a logical way and still help him get over all his negativity and drop this emotional baggage which he seems to be carrying around.  i told the other girl to back off a bit and let him deal with his issues first before getting involved otherwise more damage can be done to firstly her emotions and secondly to their whole relationship as they are all good friends.  I got to know them through my partner  and have learnt of their issues over the last couple of months.. im a very positive solution minded person and would like to help the guy out but the fact that he is 26 and doesnt have any experience with intimate relationships therefore doesnt realy understand what he is feeling etc etc.. makes me wonder how to approach this?

many thanks.. looking forward to your reply

Answer
Dear Rajiv,
I think he is blessed to have a friend like you.  Not many people would be concerned and express concern and help look for a solution to help a friend the way you are.  He is only 26... maybe it just isn't the right time yet and he has to find his way.  If he thinks that there are issues that he needs to deal with professional help would be the answer.  Maybe the person that he was speaking to previously wasn't the therapist for him, but there are some great professionals out there.  However, he has to want to seek help.  Being with someone isn't what makes us happy.  Being content with ourselves and finding the things that we enjoy in life are key to our well being and happiness.  Finding a partner is just an added plus to the equation once we are whole with ourselves.  He is blessed to have you in his life and I hope that he appreciates what you do for him.  As for the girl who likes him.... there are many different approaches to take versus slapping.... :)  Good Luck and Warmest Wishes, Erica