Expert: Dana Q - 11/3/2008

Question
I am 30 and she is 29. About a month ago I broke up with my girlfriend of 6 months and am trying to work out the situation so am sorry if this is a bit long winded.

We met about 6 months ago and started dating and pretty much living with each other from the outset. It was great to start with but as it developed we started arguing over silly things on a regular basis – largely while drinking. I wanted some quality time with her but she had a very busy social life.

I have to work very early in the morning and she works quite late. I have been having a stressful time at work. Tiredness, alcohol and stress do not lead to a happy relationship. The arguments were typically about trivial matters like consideration and respect. As a result the relationship started going downhill. I began to realise that if I didn’t react then I would get an apology the next day – unfortunately I was not that self controlled so would argue back and the bickering would start. She was occasionally rather immature

As the stress at work got to me, I would try to hold onto her and she wanted space. I stopped doing my hobbies and was happy relaxing at home but she felt guilty. She used to ring me up and say she was coming round but wouldn’t – this annoyed me. She said that I shouldn’t assume the world was out to get me, which I agreed with but by this point I had lost all my self confidence so much so that I started to suspect that she might have another man.

Our relationship was on the rocks and I asked her about this person and she seemed uncomfortable – I was a bit like a dog with a bone. Anyway we went for supper and she ended it saying ‘I was the most attractive and she loved me as a person but couldn’t handle the hassle ‘ which I can understand. I wasn’t too mature and broke down. She also cried a bit later.  We went away for the weekend ‘as friends’. She kept asking me if I trusted her and I did. We had a fantastic weekend away and we both agreed.

Anyway I saw her again and she said we needed to make a clean break and to please take care. I became insecure during the relationship and was clearly not the same person that she went out with.  I agree that a break was needed as the relationship was in a downward spiral. Unfortunately,  I know that she has started seeing this bloke  and I probably drove her into his arms. However,  am not sure if it is due to a rebound or what? Seems a bit quick to love someone then instantly find another?

Anyway, she collected her stuff 2 weeks ago and we went for a drink. It was fun and we laughed and joked like it used to be and she didn’t mention him. I have had a lot of time to think and would like her back but am not sure if there is a chance or how to go about it? I was thinking of calling her in a couple of weeks or should I leave her to contact me?



Any help/ advice would be greatly appreciated.  

Answer
Hi M,

Thanks for writing to me.  I think you might be looking at this from the wrong angle.  You're telling me that she was "the one", but most of your letter describes an immature woman who may have cheated on you with this other man.  Consideration and respect are not trivial matters.  You are right to find it suspect that someone can move on so quickly from a relationship to a new person, which is what leads me to suspect that they may have begun their relationship while the two of you were still together.  Now it appears as though she is keeping you on the proverbial back burner in case her new relationship doesn't work out.  A person who wanted to make a clean break of things would have collected her stuff and left without anything else.  I know my tone may sound harsh here, but I honestly think you are being way too hard on yourself and taking all the blame for the break-up.  Clearly her behavior played a role in this as well.  Since it doesn't sound like this was a very happy or satisfying relationship for you, I would submit that it's probably best not to pursue another go at it.  You are still trying to heal from the break-up since it's only been a month.  Give yourself some more time to try to get over this.  If in another month or two you still feel the same way, contact her, but I suspect you will feel differently then.

Good Luck,

Dana Q