Expert: ***ERICA*** - 11/1/2008

Question
Dear Erica,

My boyfriend broke up with me three weeks ago.  Basically what happened is that we were in a long distance relationship.  I am 24 and he is 11 years older than me.  When I first met him, he was the love of my life, love at first sight.  He was also the first guy I was ever physically involved in.  He was putting a lot of pressure on me to move in his city only a few months after we've been together and I just didn't feel ready for such a commitment and was honest with him about it.  I have always told him that I would move however that would only happen when I get to know him better and when I feel ready.  He was not happy about these answers though.  Then I started getting phone calls from a guy that I gave my number to a few years ago, I found him again after a few years on one of those online community sites and just sent him a message on how he was and stuff.  He started calling me a few times a day and I just couldn't deal with it.

I told this to my boyfriend and he offered to contact him and talk to him.  Unfortunately this turned out for the worse as my boyfriend had started to doubt me because the guy had told him that I am very indecisive.  I felt I had to give him the guy's details when he asked for them because I didn't want him to think there was something going on.  One night he rang me and abused me so badly.  Told me how the hell could I have dated any of the guys that I did, how he is the best thing that has happened to me.  How I will never be able to find anyone like him ever, how he will easily replace me because even though he is so much older he is the man and it is easier for him.  I was crying for 48 hours after that and he wasn't much of a comfort.

After that initial fight I felt like I was not in love with him anymore.  I was a mess, I told him about it and he was being really good but I just couldn't bring myself to love him no matter how much I've tried.  I paid for his trip to come and see him because it was not good 'value' for him to pay and come and see me the weekend after.  And yes, he only told me that he loves me after that initial fight.

Anyway he came and I still felt like I didn't love him at all.  I was honest with him and spent most of the weekend crying about it.  He asked me to break it off but I just couldn't, I guess at the back of my mind I was still hoping that my feelings would return.  

He left and then we talked afterwards and I still felt like i didn't love him.  I decided to take a break for a week and he seemed alright with it.  Then I rang him a few days after to confirm that I will come and see him and told him a story about my pen pall whom I was a pen pall with for the past 6 years at least.  The next day he abused me again how I was looking for someone else to cheat on him, how I'm a psycho for talking to people I don't know, how he is the best think that has ever happened to me...  Mind you I have never asked him about his past or what he did.  I have heard a few stories that I didn't like like that he offered to his friend to sleep with his girlfriend so that she would get off his back or that he slept with quite a few women and then when they would get serious he would dump them but with me he was pressuring me to get married, trying to get me pregnant and so on.

Anyway he broke up with me after that fight over an sms and then we had a fight over emails and sms's.  Since the break up he was sooooooo nasty to me, saying all these really hurtful things and trying to make me jelaous in any way he can.  He knows how to break me.

Even though I don't love him and don't want to be with him I just feel like I'll stay all on my own and won't be able to find anyone else and cry quite often.  I am a decent looking woman and am quite educated and have a wonderful job but I am really grieving at the moment.  I just feel like I will never get over the hurt and the pain.

I understand that I should not have dragged it after i felt like i didn't love him, but I am not what he accused me to be and what he told other people about me and that just hurts so much.

How do you think I should go about this and how long do you think it might take me to finish the grieving process?  I have never been in such a situation before and would love to move on but I just don't think I've got the strength to get out into the dating world again and get hurt :(

Answer
Dear Lana,
Time... time is what it will take before you will venture into the dating world again.  Noone has the right to abuse you and you do take some responsibility in the fact that now you know how he is and if you continue to allow him to rip you to shreds you own that.  It is normal to be scared that we are never going to find someone else...and it is also normal to think that the "bad" things that the person brings to the table aren't so bad.... But, they are just feelings that will pass especially when you are lonely.  We all make mistakes... please don't beat yourself up over that.  I think you should end all contact and give yourself the time to heal that you need.... I live by a motto:  Live like it is your last day, Dance like noone is watching, and LOVE like you have NEVER been hurt..... Good Luck and Warmest Wishes, Erica