Expert: ***ERICA*** - 11/7/2008

Question
QUESTION: I’m 30 years old, just 3 years ago my ex broke up with me, a relationship that lasted for 5 years , I was so terribly affected by this, I was so much heartbroken. Just at that time I started working and somehow it helped me to get over it. After 2 years of the breakup I fall in love with my boss, he is married and is 48 years old. At the beginning I thought he didn’t have any feelings to me, then at some point I started to feel he’s somehow attracted to me, we were slowly started to get closer and closer until we reached to a point that we were so much attached to each other, we kissed hugged and things started to get more and more deeper in terms of physical interaction, I told him how much I loved him but he didn’t say anything, once I asked him if he likes me and he said yes, I told him I don’t believe it and he was so much hurt and upset about it, anyway I thought this means he must have some strong feeling for me as well, he was so sensitive so caring so loving. I was so obsess of the idea of losing him, I don’t know maybe I was afraid that the first scenario to occur again. I know I’m terribly mistaken to have an affair with a married man, it is something that I had always criticize, I feel like dreaming, how did fall in love with a married man and how could I have these physical interaction without being married to him.
I was constantly blaming myself for having an affair with him and at the same time if he was absent for one day I feel so sad and miss him so much. If I see him upset , I constantly feel it was because of me and I just literally beg him not to be upset at me, at the beginning he like it but then he was fed up, and told me if I keep worrying that things will go wrong it will definitely go wrong.
Somehow for some reason he stared to get far and far from me, and get closer to a colleague who he was considering a close friend even before our relationship started. I see him always and every day sitting with her, chatting with her, just making any excuse to spend more time with her and be so formal with me. At the beginning I thought it was because he was upset at me. But this continued for 4 months now, and since we are everyday together it is tearing me apart to see them together and feel dumped, I’m some time angry and don’t talk to him, sometimes so sad and crying even at work, sometime denying it and try to be close to him again. But what confuse me is that he sometimes care so much about me and is flirting me, and if he sees me so sad that is instantly reflected to him and he tries all he can to please me.
I don’t know what should I do, where am I standing? what is it all about? And does he love her although I feel sometime he really isn’t. by the way she is also married.
I still love him so much, it is just so hard and so heart braking to have to see them each and every day together chatting, laughing and spending the whole day together. I don’t know what I should do to get over this feeling. I really so much appreciate if you can tell me what I should do. And sorry for the lengthy message.


ANSWER: Dear Sara,
Please put your resume out there to find another job.  What you are going through every day is torturous.  However, your boss sounds like a player who goes after the chase and when he catches the fish he releases.... Nice.... It doesn't matter what he is doing, but rather the fact that you are spending so much time obsessing over this loser.  He is married and having affairs.... That doesn't say much for his character and I am pretty certain he isn't going to leave his wife so you are setting yourself up for a no win situation.  Please put your resume out there, realize that you can and will do so much better, and put all of this behind you.  Good Luck and Warmest Wishes, Erica....   PS... Stick with your initial idea:  It is NEVER a good idea to get involved with someone who is in a commited relationship or married....

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Erica,
I so much appreciate you giving time to answer my question.
In the country were I live, it's really difficult for ladies to find a job, specially with the salary I get. I find it difficult to quit. But if you can tell me what else can I do to move on and stop thinking of him and stop being jealous.
What is the way that I should deal with him, because most of the time I find my self either so sad or angry and can't talk or even look at him. His reaction is sometimes being so much caring or sometimes he ignores my anger or sadness.


Answer
Dear Sara,
I wish it were easier for you to find a different job.  You could keep yourself busy, but I really don't know any other way that you are truly going to be able to get over this by staying at the job that you are at.  It is going to be very hard.  And based on your email my guess would be that after this woman there will be another one.... I wish you had a different job opportunity... really I do... But, try to just not show how you are feeling... don't allow him the power... Good Luck.. Warmest Wishes, Erica