Expert: ***ERICA*** - 11/9/2008

Question
I have been dating this guy for 6 months.  He's 24, I'm 32.  Things were almost perfect in the beginning.  Initially I was really worried about dating him because I didn't want to get hurt again and he is quite a few years younger.  But I gave it a chance, he was so sweet and we had alot of fun together.  I fell in love with him and he fell in love with me pretty much right away.  We started having problems about 2 months ago.  Mostly because I would get jealous if he wanted to go out with his friends.  I know I shouldn't but for some reason I felt like he didn't love me if he went out.  I was with him almost everyday and I just didn't understand why he didn't want to be with me instead.  So I snapped and dumped him over this.  It was a really temporary breakup, maybe a day or so.  He is a firm believer that if you break up, it's for a reason.  A little over a month ago I snapped again and broke up with him again.  Then when I was sober the next day I realized I screwed up again and I did want to still be with him.  He took me back but I know he was frustrated because he feels that I don't care about our relationship if I could break up with him so easily.  It bothers me so much that things change so much.  He wanted to be with me every second at the beginning and now it wasn't a big deal anymore if I didn't see him for a couple days at a time.  I always want to be around him.  Things have been especially rough in the past month.  He started a new job and had to work really long days, like 15 hours a day for a week straight.  It made me insane that I couldn't see him.  I saw him on the Wednesday night because he came into my work.  But I was working so I couldn't really spend any time with him.  On Thursday I picked him up after work but it was 11pm and we got to his place and pretty much just went to sleep.  Then on the Friday he finished work early as I did as well.  I figured we would hang out but then he told me he was going for beers with the guys from work.  He was already going to be going out on the Saturday night for his friends birthday.  I once again lost my mind when I found out I woldn't be seeing him Friday.  I ended up texting him that I couldn't deal with that again and we weren't working out anymore and we needed to break up.  (This all happened a week ago this past Friday)  So I ended up texting him a few nasty texts and that was it.  He responded sometimes but nothing mean back.  I didn't attempt to text him on Saturday, I was really hoping that he would contact me, but he didn't.  On Sunday morning I text him and told him I needed to come pick up my stuff from his house and that I wanted to talk to him.  I told him not to worry, I didn't want him back.  (Really I did though)  So I went to his place Sunday night and got my stuff.  I talked to him for a little while and told him all the things that I was bothered by.  Mostly what bothered me is that I missed him so much while he worked all those crazy hours and he didn't care to spend time with me when he was off work.  I also told him I felt like he was taking advantage of me.  Then I told him before I left that my ex treated me better than he did.  While driving home I started texting him and asking how he could just let me walk out of his life without trying to stop me.  He said cuz that's what I said I wanted and it is too late now.  I started texting him again on Monday night telling how much I missed him and that I wish he was with me right then.  He replied and said he missed me too.  I wanted to go see him but he said he didn't want me to because he was really hurt about the comment of my ex treating me better and needed time to cool down.  I said ok and to let me know when he was ready to talk.  I told him goodnight and I told him I love you.  He text me back he loves me too.  I managed to get through Tuesday without texting him.  Then Wednesday I text him and asked if he was ready to talk yet.  I knew I should have left him alone for a while but I'm so impatient and I wanted to talk to him.  I sent him a three page text and said I wanted to be with him but I wanted things to get better.  I wanted the fights to stop and I wanted him to think of me more often.  His reply was "have another shot."  So that pissed me off and I told him to go do another line.  (He was into coke before I met him but stopped when we got together)  Then he got mad at me for this and was really offended because that was before we got together and he told me that he loved me and trusted me enough to tell me about that problem and I threw it in his face.  I didn't really see the difference with him telling me to go do another shot.  Then he told me he was gonna get back with me until I made that comment.  I said I was sorry and I didn't mean it.  After a few more useless texts he said this wasn't going anywhere tonight, he was gonna go drink himself to death, and that he would talk to me tomorrow.  So on Thursday I text him around 5:00 cuz again I didn't have the patience to wait for him to contact me.  I told him I wanted to talk and he still didn't want to, his heart was broken and he wanted to be alone.  I said too bad I'm already in my car and on my way to his house.  So we talked for a while.  I told him I love him and I wanna be with him.  He said he is really confused and needed time to think.  He said we love eachother but we both aren't happy.  (I'm unhappy when I don't have his full attention and he is unhappy because I break up with him, I think)  He wanted it to work out but isn't sure it will.  He said we hold grudges against eachother which isn't good.  Apparently my go do another line means I'm holding a grudge.  He said all week he was up all night and then would go to work during the day and think about things and become angry.  I asked him what he wanted to do about us and he said he had no answers.  He still needed time to think.  He pulled me on his lap and I stayed there for a few minutes while I cried.  Then I left.  On Friday, I sent him a text telling him I love him and he doesn't need to respond but I just wanted him to know that.  He didn't respond.  So yesterday at work was torture for me.  I miss him so much.  I sent him quite a few texts during the day and he didn't reply.  Finally after I begged him to reply back he did.  I asked him what I was supposed to do.  If he still loved me I needed to know and if he did we should give it another shot.  All he sent back to me was "move on".  Not what I wanted to hear.  I said does that mean you don't love me anymore?  I kept telling him the only way I was gonna leave him alone is if he told me he didn't love me anymore and meant it.  So he did.  He said I'm not your boyfriend anymore and I don't love you anymore.  I wanna die just thinking about that again.  I was really hurt and i probably have sent him 30 texts tonight, alot of them nasty ones.  He didn't reply to any of them.  Did he actually mean it when he said he doesn't or is he just trying to get me to leave him alone.  I feel like I was so persistant this week with him that I forced him to say that.  Or maybe he really doesn't anymore.  I can't understand it cuz I still love him so much.  I know I should have left him alone for a while but I couldn't stop myself.  If there was a shot of us getting back together, I feel like I really did blow it.  I cannot stand the fact that I may never see him again.  Help

Answer
Dear Deb,
I am a really honest person:  you need to stop.. you are acting scary.  You aren't respecting what he says to you about needing a night out, space, leaving him alone, moving on, etc.  It sounds like you are so use to getting what you want that the minute you don't you throw a tantrum - say whatever you want, do whatever you want and then when you are done with your tantrum you want everyone to be ok.... doesn't happen in real life... a relationship is just that a relationship : not jail... he should and could do whatever he wants... if he wants to spend every night with you so be it, but if he wants to go out with his friends - great.... it sounds like you need to get your own life and fill it with activities and friends of your own.... you can't spend every minute together even though we are all guilty of wanting that, but it isn't realistic nor fulfilling in the long run.... Get a grip right this moment and leave him alone... if he wants to come back = he will, but you are not acting like a normal sane 32 year old woman.... Good Luck, Erica