Expert: Dana Q - 11/1/2008

Question
This is an incredibly long, convoluted story, so please bear with me. Thank you for your consideration.

I have been married for 17 years, and have 3 teenage children. My husband and I did have a happy marriage, but it has undergone some changes in the past 4 years, due to significant financial stress, loss of employment, and depression. For the past 2-3 years, we have co-existed in our home as roommates rather than husband and wife.  About 1 year ago, an old boyfriend contacted me. We had dated on/off for about 5 years prior to me meeting my husband. We had had an extremely passionate relationship, but never fully committed to one another. We were young and focused on our careers. I was transferred to another part of the country and he ended up marrying his high school girlfriend.  They divorced 2 years ago and he looked me up.  Over the past year, our conversations have become increasingly intimate and romantic, ultimately ending in us seeing each other 3 different weekends in the past two months.  Prior to this, I had never been unfaithful to my husband.

I have fallen in love with my old boyfriend, but because of my children (they are in 8th grade and freshmen/sophomores in high school), I have told him I have to stay with my husband.  (Also we are in extreme debt, so I need to stay here and help my family become solvent again.)  My boyfriend agrees with this and says that he will be willing to meet with me on weekend getaways--whenever I can get away.  

One of the major problems is that as long as my boyfriend is in my life, he is driving a huge wedge in my marriage. My husband wants to resume our intimate life (as I have lost weight and have become more like my "old self" again). I have no interest in making love with my husband.  The sex with my boyfriend is beyond fantastic--the best I have ever experienced.  

But, I am becoming increasingly insecure about my old boyfriend--I think about him and do not focus on my family. He and I talk/instant message almost every night (he lives 2000 miles away from me), and if I don't hear from him at our appointed time, I end up becoming convinced he is with someone else, or just not interested in talking with me...etc.. I let him know I am upset and he says he cannot take my insecurity and drama. (I realize I am wrong--it just seems I can't help myself.)

The final straw happened yesterday. He was planning on visiting me during Thanksgiving as my husband is taking the rest of our family to visit relatives and I cannot go as I have to work. After a morning of me being upset because he didn't call when he said he would, he canceled his reservations--citing that he didn't feel comfortable staying at my home, his daughter (from his previous marriage) asked if he would be available for a family Thanksgiving, and of course, the drama in our relationship.  He canceled the flight prior to telling me. Although I can certainly understand his reasons, I feel as if I have no control in this relationship---he unilaterally made the decision to cancel our plans.

I realize that I am not being fair to anyone in this situation, especially my husband.  My boyfriend loves me too, but is tired of the drama--plus knows I am stuck in this marriage.  I am so confused.  A part of me knows I need to break up with my boyfriend, in order to deal with my current situation, but I don't want to. However, our happiness is turning into a lot of sadness and angst, with me being insecure and feeling as if I have no control in our relationship.  Yet, I am sure he feels as if he has no control either--I am the one who is married who is staying with my husband, and ultimately will have to sleep with him again...at some point (which is something my boyfriend has made clear that if it happens, he does not want to know about it.)

It is so hard to do the right thing. I know the right thing is to end this relationship with my boyfriend and focus on my husband and children.  Instead, I have been crying for the past day, thinking how sad I am that I won't see my boyfriend for 4 days during Thanksgiving. I know this is wrong... I need some guidance please.  Usually, I am a very confident strong woman who has been able to make decisions, standing up for my family and myself.  Now I am reduced to a sad, depressed, insecure female who is waiting for a text, email, or instant message from a lover--feeling as if I have no control in my life.

Any suggestions you can provide would be appreciated. Thanks for listening.


Answer
Hi Confused,

Thanks for writing to me.  Well, to start off, I have to disagree with you about being "stuck" in this marriage.  As a child of divorced parents myself, I feel that staying in a failing marriage for the sake of the kids is the worst thing a parent can do in this situation.  Your kids are old enough to feel the tension in your marriage and they are also old enough to understand why it won't work out.  It is better to have two happy parents than two unhappy ones, and right now all you are doing is ensuring that neither you nor your husband can be truly happy.  I would urge you to find a way to get out of this marriage, even if it means you and your husband will have to declare bankruptcy.  Nothing kills your soul more than constantly feeling trapped, "having" to sleep with someone you don't love, and living a lie.  

As for your old boyfriend, I think you are right in thinking that a lot of his behavior has resulted from his insecurities over your marriage.  He is pushing you away because ultimately he knows you aren't going to leave your husband.  In his mind, why should he get too attached when he knows it won't lead anywhere?  While I don't recommend running immediately to your boyfriend if you choose to end your marriage, the situation with your boyrfriend is further proof that your marriage is over.  You need to start your life over again, and begin living on your own terms.  The only way you will be able to do that with any conviction is to get a divorce.  Otherwise, you will spend the rest of your life trying to convince yourself you are happy when you really aren't.

Good Luck,

Dana Q