Expert: ***ERICA*** - 2/4/2008

Question
QUESTION: I was reconnected with a person from my past in January 08.  Over 2.5 years ago we had connected spent some time together, no sex, timing wasn't right as she needed to resolve a relationship issue.   She emailed me a few times last year, nothing more than emails.  Out of teh blue I get an email asking me if I would like to go skiing.  I figured that she was now available.  After exchanging phone numbers right away we started texting talking on the phone, had lunch within a coupleof days.  It was hot and heavy via the email, phone etc. After a week of that we finally were able to connect on a physical level, we slept together.  It seems fine.   I have been out of the dating world for a couple of years.  I was very guarded, I felt a little overwhelmed by the intense connection.  We talked about how she had ended her relationship in march, it never truely ended until her ex moved out in Nov.  She she had thought about me a lot over the 2+ ears but was resepctful to me and herself given the fact that she was in a realtionship.  She waited until the messy stuff was over before she contacted me.   So I was really happy to hear from her and connect on a different level this time.  All was good for two weeks, sex was OK..everything out of the bed was fantastic, we connected, we can openly talk, we can process.  Things in bed did not seem a problem either.   Then I started to get a vibe.  She stayed up late to do work on her dissertation(which I did not find an issue she has a lot to do in a short time)  But from the beginning there was issues..she dressed and undressed in the closet, I asked her to shower with me and she wouldn't, she didn't walk around naked.   All this unconciously was increasing my guardedness.  I know that sex was very important to her, she is a very sexual being, but all this seeemed off with the clothing part etc.  I played off of her vibes and most likely had bearing on sex as did my own issues which I am aware of and have worked on in the past and most likely need to do more work on. Anyway, the vibe felt horrible.  We had had this intense texting, emailing, calling for two weeks and then it slowed to a crawl.   After 5 days of feeling this vibe I emaile and asked if it was x, Y or z..none of them apparently.  It was sexual chemistry.  She said that from the first time we slept together it wasn't there.  She cried, couldn't figure it out because EVERYTHING else is there.  Even the incredible attraction is there (She told me when we processed) She has cried in the bathroom, in the closet, downstairs, wanting to feel these fireworks but didn't and it was not making sense. She told me no chemistry then wanted to tell me what an awesome person I was etc..I shut her off and told ehr that I guess that is it end of the phone call.  I took my space for a day or so then needed to process.  That is where I go the details of what had been going on.  She was and always has been open to processing and letting me ask her or share my feelings.  I have done so in a non blaming, finger pointing, threatening way.  I needed to be clear on the reasons.   We are compatiable in every other way.  I asked why she didn't communicate the issues, she said it wasn't something that can be changed, it just is.  I don't agree.  I thnk that there is chemistry, if there wasn't the intense week would not have been there.  I am too guarded to meet her needs right now.  But now I know what she wants it is something that I am willing to work on.
Maybe I don't get it because I want to stay in denial.  I believed that she was the one, yes there are many people out there, but even with those people there will always be something in the realtionship that needs work, so you can keep moving from one to next without really trying to work on something.  I beleive we have a great foundation for a relationship.  However, she is a psychologist.  She believes that this is something that cannot be fixed.  As she said she could be happy being with me because of all the other wonderful things in the relationship and not have sex but that would be a friendship and not a relationship.   I did three days of processing via email, it was 3 emails that I was able to share my feelings without sounding needy, and she was able to clarify her thoughts and feelings.  There is little that I can do to change how she feels, deep down I have a hope that what she thinks can't be changed can be.  That maybe down the road we may get a chance to connect on a sexual level and I hope that with work and some education on sex I will be able to satisfy her.   I am not really sure what I am looking for here as far as an answer.  I know all about breaking-up and focusing on yourself.  Part of me is relieved that I am no longer feeling icky from the vibe that she was giving off.  It didn't feel good.   But I truely care about her, I love her and I want her to be happy, be satisfied with whomever she is supposed to be with.  I guess whatever general advice you can give on the info I have shared would help.  Thanks


ANSWER: Different people want different things in a relationship.  Some people want physical attraction, others want mental stimulation, others want emotional connection, and some of us want all of the above.  I don't know many people who would not want to work on a certain aspect of the relationship if they felt it was what they were looking for in all other areas.  People come into your life in one of three ways: a reason, a lesson, or a journey.  The fact that your relationship was so intense gave one or both of you a sense of euphorism.  Therefore, when the initial intensity of the relationship started coming to a halt (which is expected) - the thought of a realistic day to day relationship wasn't as appealing.  Since you already know the whole thing about taking care of yourself - I will spare you that advice.  My advice to people is to take their time when it comes to sex for one simple reason:  it is great to have that physical chemistry and then to share it with your best friend.  You don't feel guarded or uncomfortable... you don't get those "vibes".  You are sharing an amazing act full of love, trust, passion, etc.  It's all of the other stuff that is hard to find... Sex is just a physical act in the grand scheme of things - that is why people can have sex with no emotional connection.  Everything else is what truly matters.  So, my advice to you would be to let it go since she is obviously convinced that there is no "physical connection" - don't look at it as a reflection of yourself because pleasing someone else takes time and you learn what the other party wants and desires.  Relationships are a learning and changing process all of the time.  So, give of yourself to someone who thinks they can share all of it with you.....

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I thank you for your answer.   I agree with connection on all different levels and it would be great to believe that is is possible to get a connection on every level with someone out there, I am not sure that it is possible.  However, if the one connection is the most important connection the sex, which it was for her, then without it really isn't going to work.  It is like me wanting to be connected on an intellectual place...everything else in the relationship could be awesome but that would not work for me..although I do not think that I would initially be attracted to someone that didn't;t show they were intellectual.  

A brief update....she wanted to get some dinner last night,  we went back and forth in e-mail...I asked what her intention was..this is her reply:

"So why do I want to hang out with you? Because I very much enjoy your
company!!!:) I think you're great fun to talk to, goof around with, chill
with, etc. For me there's such a fine line between friends and romantic
interests...in both situations they would ideally be people you just think are
great, amazing people that you enjoy having in your life. To the degree that
you are interested/able, I would love to remain friends, and further develop
into even better friends...just friends w/o benefits...despite how beautiful I
think you are!:)"

Now who wouldn't be confused after reading that!  I toyed with the idea of going and made it very clear to her about my feelings and dealing with the break-up.

Given that I decided to go, knowing it was my choice.  She flirted all night, not a little, but major flirting, more than she had ever done before.  Granted, she has a natural way of flirting with people but this was extreme.  I didn't initiate the flirting  and was pretty guarded when I got the bar.   I did some flirting back but also realized that there was a boundary that I really needed to stay close to.

We left the bar hugged.  She sent me a text saying she had a lot of fun hanging out I just sent her a smile back.  I had an e-mail from her this morning..of course part of me hoped that it said she had such a great time that she wanted to hang out again.   It actually said that she didn't get my last e-mail, one that I said I was really not sure if going to the bar was a good idea, that I am not even sure if friendship makes sense right now.  She said that she hoped I was OK after last night and that she will respect whatever I need to do.

So confused about a person that I thought I understood,  but is giving me many mixed messages.   I did e-mail her and tell her that the flirting was not OK and that it gave me mixed messages and she cannot call me 'Honey' as that was used when were in a relationship together.   As my good friend tells me..you either crap or get off the pot...decide if it is really over and go with it or if there is processing that needs to take place then go process but don't pull the other person into a painful back and forth.  

Answer
Hi Rebecca,
Someone very close to me and very wise told me that people have to stop playing games and to stop thinking about things over and over again.  The best thing you could do is what you stated in your email... come right out and tell her how you feel.... keep in mind that when she responds you must take whatever she says as the truth no matter what signals she may or you may think she is giving.  It seems that she does want to be your friend, but not more than that.  I, unfortunately, believe that you can connect with someone on all levels.... of course, the connection is stronger in certain areas than others, but I think it is very possible.  If she tells you that she just wants to be your friend then you must decide if you can just be that ... "her friend."  If not, then you have to seperate yourself from the situation because it will just continue to confuse and hurt you.  If you can just be her friend then her actions won't play on your mind.... maybe you can do this after a fair amount of time... Maybe you are just expecting a lot from yourself too soon after the break.... Good Luck and I hope this helps...