Expert: ***ERICA*** - 2/18/2008

Question
QUESTION: Judy and her 13 yr old daughter moved in w/ me 8 mos. ago due to her mother passing and the estate selling the house where Judy and Savanna lived. I offered them a place to live since her family would not take her in. She does not work and goes to a methadone clinic once a week, which was costing me $87.50/wk. I paid this in the beginning thinking I was helping her get back on her feet. She has not got a job and has the attitude that I should just pay for it. Judy and I dated 8 yrs. ago and ended up drifting apart, but we kept in touch through her mother who was one of my closest friends. Her mother passed away in May '08 but before she died she asked me to take care of them knowing no one else would. Judy had burned alot of bridges according to her mother. When they first moved in everything was fine. I thought we had a pretty nice little family thing going. Money being the first of many issues, things have spiraled downhill the past 3 mos.
We don't sleep together anymore, Judy and Savanna stay to themselves(being the only time either is happy)and I find myself staying either in the office or in the bedroom watching TV.
I love them both very much and it breaks my heart to think of them out on their own. I'm afraid something terrible will happen to them. My head says it's time to end the relationship, but my heart says no.
I need an objective opinion. Please help.

ANSWER: Dear Mark,

First of all I apologize that it took me awhile to get back to you.  My computer systems were down and I was unable to access my website.  So, I am very sorry.

You need to be true to yourself and whether or not you really want this relationship.  It isn't fair to you to be held hostage because you care about someone.  If she was forced to work (for example, when you stop enabling her and she has to get her own place) she will work.... You are obviously not getting what you want/need out of this relationship so, I would reconsider what you are doing.  Be honest with her - tell her how you are feeling.... If you want to continue to date her - tell her that you don't want to continue to live together - that you will be there for her when she needs to talk - but, that you need to take care of you and are very unhappy right now.  I have found that you can never feel guilty or bad if you are honest..... It's a great quality to want to take care of someone and help them out, but you can only help those who want to help themselves.  Good Luck and I hope this helps...

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Having talked w/ Judy about the way I was feeling, her response was that I was abandoning her just like her family had. She was terribly upset making me reconsider my position. My family thinks she used this tactic to prevent being asked to leave. She says she has no where to go and I would be putting her and her daughter out on the streets.
I know what the right thing to do is but the guilt has me confused. How should I proceed?

Answer
Mark,

Do you love this woman?  Are you ready to settle down with her and start a life together?  If the answer is no... then you need to stand your ground and do what is best for you..... otherwise, you are in a situation where you are being held hostage.  You are not abandoning her - you are telling her to get her own place and you will still continue to date her.... Any woman without a physical impairment is able to get a job and help herself.  She is not a victim.  But, if you are in love with her and want to build a future with her than you need to sit down and have a discussion on how to proceed with the relationship..... her getting a job, helping with the bills, household chores, etc.  Otherwise, you need to stick to your decision and wish her the best.  We are all natural survivors... she will manage, but if you continue to stay in this... will you?